The Fire in My Bones

A Theology of the "Last Word"

2012-01-22T16:31:00.000-08:00

Christian theology is a theology of the "last word," the "theology of the end" - it is the ultimate comeback.

Too much of our speech about God is pressed down by the response of the present world, the pain which does surround us, and which apparently dominates, which lacks a terminus, and which seems to have no half-life, but instead increases, perpetuates itself.

To avoid such despondency, theologians (professionals and pew-people) have adopted a theology that simply shouts "One glad morning when this life is over I'll fly away" over the discordant notes in "even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Death." It misses the present, skips over the historical, and forgets about the Incarnation.

Two meanings can be ascribed to "end:" that which refers to the finality, or to the teleology, the purpose, the fulfillment of the Architect's design (archegon kai teleitein, Author and Completer/Perfector/Finisher, as in Heb 12). Christian theology must keep both in mind, for both are right loci of our speech about God, about the final word.

We must know what it means to live in the flesh in this world, even and especially when life gets hard, but also what it means to walk in another world, in another time, under another King.

Christianity pronounces a theology of the last word because this present world, these "light, fleeting circumstances, are as nothing compared with the eternal weight of glory that is being wrought in us."

Christianity is the theology of the last word because the single most powerful, most spiteful, most hope-sapping thing this world can scream at us in its desperation is "DEATH!," but our reply, spoken with humility and triumph, is simply "Really? Because I know the One who got up."

Adoption Awareness and Support (REDUX)

2011-10-28T21:37:00.000-07:00

Family and Friends,

Many of you know that last year I ran a half-marathon to help bring awareness to the cause of adoption around the world. I never thought I would try something like that again... I was wrong! The original recipient was unable to accept the gift of over $700 raised last year by your support alone, but what an amazing gift it was to tell them how many people wished to support them and how much they were able to put together!

As the registration time for this year's race came closer, many of us felt the impact of more financial difficulties than we did at the same time last year. There's a story in the Bible of a widow that gives a small amount of money, her last bit, while many wealthy people give great sums. Jesus notes that many gave out of abundance, but she gave out of her poverty, and this gift would be greatly honored by the One who sees what we do in private. I decided to go farther and harder.

This year, I have committed to running the full marathon - 26.2 miles complete with inclines, declines, and a bunch of people in better shape than I am trampling over me. My training has been full of learning, exhaustion, injuries, and carbohydrates. I love the idea of running an endurance race in connection with adoption: neither is easy, neither will be over quickly, neither is cheap, but both have correspondingly great rewards!

I would like to put out the same invitation to you that I put out last year, with one addition. Last years invitation was to sponsor an adoption per mile as you saw fit: a set amount, or $1, $5, or $10 / mile that I run. That means that any time I have to quit and walk, you are relieved of your obligation. A warning, though: I do not plan on giving up. One guy even gave whatever he made playing poker that night to the cause! The addition this year: PRAYER! I've never run this far in my life, and the weather is unpredictable, and the hills are not. Your prayer and support, combined with a generic version of Gatorade will go so much further than you can know.

***Too often I speak in generalities and concepts, and people have to remind me to "put some flesh on it." This year I want to put a FACE with idea (or in this case, several faces), so within the next few days I will be attaching something to this document: a letter from the family you are supporting so you can know a little bit about who they are, and why this whole thing matters to them. This is actually my favorite part of this letter.***

The season surrounding Christmas is a time for giving, and with good reason. It's also a time of thanks and extravagance, and sometimes even having a little extra. Rather than trying to crunch your budget and the time frame, I wanted everyone to have time to prayerfully and thoughtfully determine what they wanted to give, and to have time to get it together. This year the donations will be presented in early December, so anything you would like to contribute would arrive by December 1st if at all possible. Respond via email here or through a Facebook message and I'll give you more details!

With gratitude and joy,

Dustin Kunz

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." - James 1:27

"He has told you, O man, what is good;
and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love steadfast mercy,
and to walk humbly with your God?" - Micah 6:8

"Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation." - Psalm 68:5

Loving Requires Knowing (and Why I Want the Latter So I Can Do the Former)

2011-10-20T22:49:00.000-07:00

A friend once asked why I feel the need to be in a romantic relationship, and I've spent a lot of time thinking about that. It's a fair question, I think. Why does that matter? In talking about community tonight, I recognized that maybe I put too much weight on that kind of relationship - weight that it might not be meant to bear. What follows is almost a direct quote of the text message that followed months later (tonight), with some adaptations, since it is the first in a series of blog posts in which I will attempt to be more concise.

I think I had a community in Belton that really loved me, and I learned over a long, arduous process to admit how much I needed them. Really the depression when I got back from Iraq was a great impetus. I shared with them how much and how exactly I was hurting. They did not know in the least how to respond, but they listened, and they loved me, and they never thought any less of me. We were a community that was truly ill-equipped to deal with the woes of one another, but that wasn't what mattered at the time: they just loved me.

I think I liked the me that came back from Iraq better than the version that left for Iraq, and I fear the me of today more closely approximates the latter than the former. The individual that returned left his weapons and his armor in another life. He was vulnerable, less afraid to let people get close, less sharp with his tongue. And why wouldn't he be? He was out of options. He'd walked away, walked seemingly alone, and had realized that the gift that God had given him, the people in his life, had been taken for granted for so long.

I tried to find that again here, and thought I was really making headway at one point, and then a friend and I dated and broke up. When we came back from semester, I was really struggling with depression, and it seemed like everyone I had learned to count on had bailed, and later some even admitted that they had. (I say "seemed," because the situation was of course never as dire as it appeared in my head. With depression, it never is.) But even the appearance such things from friends was enough, and I grabbed a Kevlar vest and put it right back on. I simply did not want anyone to have that kind of power again any time soon.

I have since realized the sheer stupidity of that statement. I was hurting, so instead of letting people help me heal that hurt, I just decided to hurt privately, where at least I had the delusion of control. I've got a post on community coming up soon, but that will have to wait.

___________________________________________

So why does that affect thoughts on a romantic relationship? Because I think I have the potential to know someone and be known, and to love them well and be loved by them. There's a lot of risk in a romantic relationship, but there is also a more narrow focus, where you serve and share with one person more than any other. I'm learning to risk with people in general again, but that doesn't mean I don't still want to know someone at their worst and demonstrate love for them in the midst of it, and for the same to be done for me.

Love is really only meaningful in the context of "knowing." Let me put that another way: the degree to which you know someone determines the degree to which your love for them matters. If I can say that I love someone that I barely know, it means little. They are probably still putting on a facade, a guise, or keeping me at a distance with the best foot still forward. But if I know the junk on the inside, the really beautiful -and- the really ugly stuff, and can still say with conviction that I love them, then my love actually matters. (Side note: What if there were some entity that could know every tiny part of us, and still love us with reckless abandon?) I legitimately want to know someone like that, and love them like that, and I think it's because that's how my Creator imprinted His image upon my heart.*

That's the best reason I've got, and honestly I don't see a problem with it.

___________________________________________

*I was so tempted at that point to ruin this post with the zenith of Moulin Rouge:
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
is just to love and be loved in return."
I think Jesus would have "liked" this quote if it was in the Apostle John's profile (which it is, only the website isn't Facebook, it's 1st John).

Exposing Myself

2011-08-28T21:06:00.000-07:00

So a new friend asked why I don't write anymore. I explained that I'd offended someone with my last post, and that had kind of scared me off of posting anything. She encouraged me and began convince me that my voice is something that needs to be heard, so I decided to write again. When I sat down with my journal the next day, I noticed the date, realizing that I hadn't written much at all in the last few months. Offending someone via the Interwebs wouldn't affect my personal scribblings, would it? Why did my dear, dear Diary miss out on all the fun?

Putting that aside, I began to write about where I'd been over the previous few months. Then I stopped. I had to... because I couldn't see. As I had begun to write, I had also begun to lose the figure-4 variation choke hold I had on my emotions.

Introspection was hard, painful, and unexpectedly undesirable (#1). That's the first part of a single truth.

In photography, opening the shutter lets light in, inevitably causing its contact with the film (or something like that). The letting in of light is called "exposure." So I'm trying this whole thing again: I'm letting light in, and I'm looking at what I can see.

Stark naked, armor and pretentious garments trailing somewhere in the dust, limping and running and falling and failing and getting up again - I'm letting the light in. I'm exposing myself. Enjoy the pun before you go on.

It has been a little rough lately.... Okay, a lot rough. But it's also been meaningful, and it has borne much fruit. Recently I had to make a remarkably difficult decision, and I simply lacked the discernment to know the way that I should go. It took someone who has the spiritual gift that Paul called "seeing through the bullshit" (I think it's in Second Romans) to point me in the right direction. She saw weaknesses and wounds and salves for those wounds and workouts for those weaknesses that I would already have been aware of if I had been letting light in so God could illuminate the parts of my soul I was hiding - even hiding from myself.

Not looking isn't going to stop me from hurting (as least, not for long). It's just going to leave me ill-prepared for the mornings when I wake up and everything is so dark I don't want to put me feet on the floor, or for the days that seem so bright until I learn something that knocks me right back off of those feet. So I'm looking, and I'm learning. And I'm seeing those flaws and failures and other words that allow for alliteration. And with help I'm also seeing victories, and progress, and that my heart seeks to know fully and love passionately both God and people.

The second half of that truth from earlier: Introspection is good, and meaningful, and spiritual, and necessary, and sometimes... sometimes it is sweet. Sometimes it serves those around me in ways I could never have planned or predicted because those ways are beyond my ways.

That makes it worth it to let the light in, the light that hurts and burns, but that cleans and shows shadows for what they are and let's me see the face of the One who was with me in the dark the entire time.

Women: The Rules of Engagement (pt. 1)

2011-04-11T14:26:00.001-07:00

Reading the title I'm sure you thought, "Dustin, you feeling like tackling rocket science again?" If you're a girl in college, you definitely thought this was about getting a ring and preparing to get hitched. Gotcha!

There comes a time in every moderately competent writer's life when he or she must address certain topics. If you want to score in this game, you've got to hit all the wickets. If you don't understand cricket terms, don't worry about it. No one does. It's the greatest practical joke the British ever pulled (except maybe the "noble motives" of the East India Trading Company, which you should know is not a fictional construct for the Pirates of the Caribbean's fall from grace).

So today's wicket:

THINGS MEN WISH WOMEN KNEW

This was inspired by several conversations of late, and is therefore a contextually appropriate an far-from-exhaustive list. I've chose not to write anything from The Enemy's perspective, as there are several female authors on the Internets who are more familiar with their battle strategy, and who are also much funnier (here's looking at you Christy L. and Chris G.)

So here goes:

1) Getting blown off is MUCH worse than getting rejected. Many of you have said you don't want to be a jerk/be rude/make him feel bad about himself/make it awkward. That's bull___ (professors might read this) and we all know it. You just don't want to have to be uncomfortable for the few seconds it takes to say no. You'd probably just rather avoid looking him in the face while he gets rejected in absentia. Save everyone the time, emotional anguish, and text message balance and just say "Sorry, but I kind of hate you." We will seriously appreciate it more than you know. And so will you. Because we'll tell our friends "Yeah, she turned me down, but she was totally upfront and honest about it." And then "Brett," who is smarter, more attractive, more successful, and doesn't have 2.5 degrees in a field he will never be able to market will say, "Cool. Can I ask her out?" "Sure! Have at it man - she's great." We're more likely to ask out straight-forward women who we can trust. And at your wedding that we have to spend 73% of the cost of owning a tux to rent one you'll say "I love you too, Brett" and we'll all go "So grood!" Except maybe one guy, who'll say "That's whack." But it'll totally just be the regular type.

2) We don't care about your cat... at all. Seriously. We have neither positive nor negative feelings towards your furry little feline friend. It's a cat. It might be adorable or have personality or do that cute thing you keep telling us it always does but just won't do right now. But we just don't care. And it's not that we're concerned you might become a crazy cat lady. It's that there's no utility in a cat. They can't bear loads, clean up scraps, alert us of impending burglary, maul a stranger, scare the neighbor kid who keeps throwing things over the fence, or bring us barrels full of much needed whiskey when we're "lost" (which we never are) in a frozen tundra. Puppies, other than corgis, can serve a purpose. If Timmy (Nation) falls down a well, what the heck is your cat going to do? Barking brings help. Rubbing up against the sheriff's leg just gives him allergies.

3) Knowing about football and/or guns is hot. Bernice may have told you that it emasculates us if you know more than we do, or you're tougher than we are. It doesn't, and there are plenty of other reasons not to take advice from your single friend Bernice (like the beaver growth hormone doping charges of which she was acquitted). Every woman should have a picture of herself at the shooting range or in a field with either a rifle or a handgun. Plus you have the added benefit of never having to say what we can discern from your Facebook: "If you ever hurt my sister or I, 'I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep, and I swear by all that is good and holy your mother will cry when she sees what I've done to you.'" We can figure out motive and opportunity for ourselves - you're just clarifying that you have the means as well. http://on.fb.me/dZrsyU

4) Quote Dumb and Dumber as often as you can. This is my generation's Caddyshack, and it will go a long way with us. Additionally it inspires future comments like "Killer heels, babe!" (We also appreciate when you know and reference Braveheart as well, but we don't want to talk about the socio-political implications of violence on interpersonal relationships and geo-political restoration in historical rivalries and such understandings affect the way we understand how to serve you in a relationship and apologize without feeling weak. We just want to watch the damn movie, and cry with impunity.

[This ends part 1. I've decided to take this a little at a time for two reasons: I want men to chime in with new, exciting topics; and I want women to respond, perhaps here, on the original website, or on your own Xangas (yup - I'm bringing that back with Homestar)/ Livejournals/ snarky text messages.]

UPDATE: first full response, other than K in the comments section was http://www.facebook.com/notes/elizabeth-hammonds/men-the-rules-of-engagement/10150567657960385?notif_t=like

D.D. and His Alter Ego: Me

2011-04-08T06:27:00.000-07:00

I've decided that depression isn't a psychological problem for me: it's a freaking super power.

Okay, well actually it's an entire power bundle like Superman's strength, flight, heat vision, far-sight and X-Ray powers. (I don't understand why he became a reporter and not an optometrist.) And when these powers activate, I become DEPRESSED DUSTIN!!!

Can you see it?! Me on a hill or building, fists on my hips, cape waving in the wind, a giant DD on my chest, and occasionally my fist moves to wipe a tear from my face.

You got the chills too, right?

So I started the journey, as every hero does, to discover the limits and specific nature of my powers. Here's what I've got so far:

Super Neediness - I begin to text, Facebook, email, and shout from my front porch. I become very "within reach" and it begins to resemble something kind of sad, especially with how attached to my phone I become - very helpful for the needy crime-fighter on the go, though
Uncontrollable Sobbing - Assessment pending.... I haven't found a crime-fighting application for this yet.
Super Snark - as evidenced by my statuses and post earlier this week, I suddenly acquire the ability to be pretty sarcastic, make biting remarks about social constructs, etc. Very hard on criminals in fraternities and hipsters.
Negativism, or Frustrated Deconstruction of Other People's Happiness/Theology - I can suddenly see clearly the negative side of things (everything, in fact) and critique logical arguments with biting precision
Cursing with Impunity - I suddenly overcome years of cultural conditioning to pretend that none of us think or say the things we all think and say, and I honestly express exactly what I think
Prayer-Aski-ness

Unfortunately, every hero has his weakness. Spiderman mutates, Superman acts strangely (red kryptonite) or gets pretty serious cramps (normal green kryptonite), or Batman is rendered ineffective (stock market crash). Here are a few of mine:

Emotional Vulnerability - people can see through my sarcasm (commonly known as an "emotional force field")
Aversion to Alcohol - I wont drink it when I'm even slightly down, but I'll long for the glorious bubbles of a good IPA once more
Sharing - this concerns my allies the most, since apparently I'm starting to share more and more when things suck
Overwhelming Gratitude - I cannot help but express my gratitude to those who have called, text messaged, walked, talked, prayed, and played with me through weeks like this one. I compulsively love the people who provided a living room, an encouraging word, and cookies... (oh heavens the cookies)!

-Even when I try to play off this gratitude, it forces itself out, even if only in a playful note, like this one.-

So this rarely comes out of my mouth/keyboard: I really hope I didn't offend anyone with this. Seriously.

But if you can't laugh at your own psychological and emotional shenanigry, whose can you laugh at? I mean... what can you laugh at?

Plugged in But Disconnected

2011-04-05T22:52:00.000-07:00

Someone once told me that when your nose itches, it means someone is thinking of you. I said something like, "You're adorable." What I should have said was, "You're an idiot."

No, seriously, it would have saved my so much teen angst in my high school years.

Tonight I read about the spiritual practice of isolation. Immediately I thought, "I'm a male who has struggled quietly with depression since adolescence. Believe me, J.B.Smith, I do isolation well. Next week, I assume, will be 'Hiding What's Really Going On' and then 'Pretend to Your Family and Friends Everything Is Okay.' " But Smith is talking about intentional isolation. Taking time and space to be you - just you, with whatever Powers That Be, and getting away.

So I walked out the door without my phone. My friend posted that he forgot his phone on the way to the bathroom and doubled back for it. That's how bad he needed it. Sometimes I go into the kitchen without ol' iKunz and I begin to hyperventilate. But this time I did it on purpose.... Okay, that's a lie. I turned it off and set my watch timer for an hour. Baby steps, people.

On my way to the pub I realized that so often I CLING to my phone. I need it right there. I sacrifice a great deal of battery power most days to be instantly notified when someone plays a b.s. word like "Qi" in Words With Friends or texts me or "Likes" my comment on someone's photo. I need to be notified instantly.

Because my nose doesn't have AT&T, but when my phone vibrates (or plays Waka Waka) it means someone is thinking about me.

When I was in high school I started lifting weights to get a girl who would never have been interested it me to magically become interested in my. Magic failed me - she never noticed. But I kept the habit, and like all of my peers, I got into shape in college. And you know what? She still didn't notice. She didn't care.

I joined the Marine Corps. That's the most bad ass branch of the U.S. military.

And I'm finishing my master's degree.

She still hasn't called.

The Internet is our generation's printing press. But Katharina Von Bora didn't find a picture of Martin Luther taken at an awkward angle in his bathroom with the flash showing in the mirror and come a-runnin'.

____________________________________________________________

Henri Nouwen notes that the potential of good in an object is equal to it's potential for evil. This is true of technology, I think. It gives me a thousand other ways to connect with people from all over the world. People I met in high school, in Kolkata/Calcutta, in Hong Kong, and in Iraq can all get hold of me with just a few short keystrokes and a non-Chinese Internet connection. My world at their fingertips. And we all know this. We know how easy it would be for them to get hold of us.

And they don't.

And we're left feeling empty - feeling unintentionally isolated. And it sucks. Disillusionment sucks.

Because here's the truth: 99% of the people from high school (or wherever) just don't care.

(Almost) no one gives a shit that you got in shape, had a boob job, got your Ph.D., rescued a puppy, or trained a monkey to brush your teeth for you (unless you put it on YouTube). Our tools of communication have become the outlet for unrestrained narcissism. For heaven's sake: I'm barely a competent writer and even I need a blog/Xanga/Facebook to share my thoughts.

_____________________________________________________________

But I don't want to sit around, waiting for people to comment on my latest entry, or find out who approves of whatever 4square I've become the mayor of, or mentioned me in their retweet. I don't want to be bound to questions like "Did she text back?" and "What does FratGuy05 deem, from his mother's basement, I should do about my current dating woes?"

I want to use technology to connect me to people that matter. I want to unfriend everyone on Facebook I'm only still friends with because it's a pretty girl and "Who knows? Maybe a really funny status update will cause her to fall madly in love with me?" I want to connect with people and share the shit of life. I want to be honest about what depression and discipleship look like, and honest about what it means to strive to be a "wounded healer." I want to define the resources of my culture to accomplish an end, instead of letting the resources of my culture use me to build their "social network." (Take a moment to enjoy the irony of my posting this on Facebook.)

An artist does not paint the way she does because the tools necessitate it. She paints thus because her soul demands she make use of the tools to translate the canvas of her soul.

( will be later posted @ facebook.com/dustin.kunz?sk=notes )

[Just for the sake of honestly, I think I should admit that I have a VERY high need for validation. I have no need for societal acceptance, though, so that's good.]

Finding Hope Where Hope May Truly Be Found

2011-04-03T16:27:00.000-07:00

A sermon centers on a text (or at least it does when I preach). A life lesson begins with a story.

The best fictional stories are the best, are meaningful, and are often so similar because they -use- fiction to communicate something very true, very real, very existentially applicable.

My weekend has been the story of God's faithfulness when my faith and faithfulness falter. And only in telling my story today was I reminded of the powerful text in Jeremiah 2. Read the whole thing if you have time. But here's a little excerpt:

"On every high hill

and under every green tree

you sprawled out and played the whore."

The high hills refers to the places where idols were worshiped, and I have contended that the green trees are a reference to "asheroth," one such form of Canaanite worship. The prophet even asks "has a nation every changed it's gods even though they are no gods?" This is the story of Israel, the story of humanity, the story of me.

_________________________________________________________________

I found myself over the last week filled with hope. Hope is good. It makes you excited, it makes things brighter all around you, and gives you something to look forward to, and even to -work- towards. It puts meaning in the now by promising what will (or at least -could-) be.

But when the object of your hope is misplaced, disaster looms near. And I caught myself in this place, putting my hope in what might be, in a object which, though truly great, could never, in itself, satisfy. And which honestly cannot be grasped for long if my ultimate hope is not in something higher, something truly satisfying, something that fills the other gifts of God with meaning and joy and purpose and makes them things in which we might delight.

And I had to let it go. This thing, this promise, which I wanted, which I was so tempted to cling to, to grab with my own arms, had to be let go. I've been around long enough to know this: when I seize what I want, and effect my own will, it is never a question of IF I will give it up - its a question of WHEN, and a question of WHO will get hurt.

And I'm STRUGGLING with that. I mean really struggling. I wept at 70+ miles an hour as I shared the story with a close friend, not because the act necessary was tough, but because I was letting go of control of my own future. This was literally a "Jesus, take the wheel!" moment. I must let go so that what I want most deeply may truly come to pass, and all the lesser things, which are themselves good but not the highest Good, serve that end. John the Baptist, or JBap/JtB (I think he rates a rapper name and logo), said it thus: "He must increase, I must decrease."

A psalmist wrote it another way: "Some trust in horses, and some in chariots; but we trust in the LORD, our God." (Ps 20.9)

So this post doesn't end cleanly. I cannot wrap it up with a bow and lay it on the table, and I cannot tell you how the story ends. I'll keep struggling with wanting a spouse, and with wanting a career and a name for myself. I'll continue to desire all kinds of good and beautiful things, and if grace truly abounds in me, I'll keep giving them up again and again.

_________________________________________________________________

I have two alarms. Sometimes I wake up to a duck, because it quacks me up, and that's a good morning in the making. Other days I awake to a song I've heard over and over again and just understood anew today.

"You are my joy" (3x)

Sometimes it sounds like the emphasis is on the object "-joy-."

But in reality, its about the subject of the joy - God.

It isn't about chasing joy in God. It's about chasing God, and being chased by God, and finding Joy in that.

Vulnerability, the Beauty and the Aftermath, for Better or Worse

2011-03-27T13:11:00.000-07:00

I've been practicing the art of sharing, of making myself more vulnerable more often to more people. Again, this is in keeping with a lifelong idea. My family is notoriously clumsy. We fall and are injured regularly. But I've always thought that if I fall and get hurt, if someone can be around to witness it, and to laugh - to really laugh so hard their ab work is done for the day - then it was worth it. Or maybe not worth it, but it gives it some measure of value, if not full recompense for the pain suffered.

And I want the rest of my life to be that same "imitatio Christi" (imitation of Christ). So when I make mistakes, may others benefit. And when I feel like I just got kicked in the emotions; or that my "daddy issues" resurface at 26, making me feel oh-so-original; and when my soul feels as dessicated as a corpse long vacated of water - when those things happen, I want others to benefit.

But all this I've explained before. My question today is far more practical.

After sharing, making myself visible to those I think will hold my heart carefully but do not fully trust yet if only because one cannot truly trust until one has risked and received safe conduct in this life, I feel so raw. Like the new skin that comes with the first burn under the Texas sun, or the lips chapped again and again in the wind of the mountain or the desert, I feel freshly vulnerable to so much, more than I can handle if I'm honest and if I approach it all head on.

What do we do with that? Is there some way to assuage that fear, to salve that wound, to cover the overly exposed? I know it helps to genuinely thank someone for sharing, but what then? Can we really empathize when life is moving so quickly from class to meeting to meal times, from sunday school to service to lunch? I go from a meeting with a counselor back to Monday life and must flip from emotional introspection to academic evaluation in a 12 minute drive.

Should we do anything about it? Should I? Is this level of vulnerability a special kind of good that I should carry throughout my day?

How do we respond to others? I used to think I was headed into vocational ministry, but even if I'm not my life still seems geared, along with ministers and counselors and social workers, towards daily asking others to open their hearts and minds and share them with we whom they are learning to trust (I hope).

I'm really not seeking to make it all easy and fun, for the growth comes in the process to be sure. And it's not a question of making it "worth it" when we share. But how to we validate it - how do we make it known that there is great value in their sharing with us, being transformed towards us, and letting others see the work of God in their lives? I've witnessed how one person willing to share with another whom they barely know can have a powerful effect, and if they are to pay it forward something must be done to let them know the value of their risk, even if the reward is bestowed upon another.

Silence Amidst the Sound

2011-03-23T18:45:00.000-07:00

Last night I attended a service planned and written by a friend.

I had been thinking about what it means to have "margins" in life. The concept of margins recalls for me the edges of all my books where I have written "gt qt," or "amz qt" or drawn a star or written a question mark or some other form of my own shorthand. This reminds me to look here again, to take note, to slow down and realized just what has been said or when I have questioned it or opposed it or affirmed it as beautiful and well stated. And it gives me space to annotate, recall, recover, or even refute the first experience of the body of the text.

This service began and ended with this electronic music that opened and closed times of meditation for me. They bookended the experience, and indeed at the end it was all I could do to sit and listen and contemplate the love of God as I stared at a stained glass window. Even more now than this week I thought "Truly, 'what wondrous love is this?' and 'Why are Christians the only people that can take something so wonderful and sound so depressed about it?'" You see I'm of the mindset that music can touch a part of the psyche, of the soul, that speech rarely can. And for those so inclined, maybe music is the soul reaching out, as for me words are my psyche taking expression.

And the music in this service was wonderful. The whole room seemed not just filled with the sound, but filled with right sounds. As I wrote something weeks ago I got a preview, and it enticed me to just sit and be. Music like this takes you on a roller coaster and lets your mind write the script, your history tell the story anew.

But amidst all these wonderful sounds were these intentional breaks of silence. How out of place in this expression the silence -could have- seemed. How out of place silence seems in my whole life sometimes.

I'm a lyrics guy, and lately I've been wrapped up in Andrew Peterson's music, particularly the song "The Silence of God." My soul is there. My soul has felt dessicated and dry, like desert sand on your face and lips and teeth-raw at best, rough and grinding more days than not.

Just as I think that music can touch the soul, I think that people are at least the totality of all of their experiences (though they are more than that as well).

Silence was not some awkward pause in the service where we all looked around at the sound guy or the musician or the speaker, wondering who missed their cue and who would make a joke to ease the tension. Silence was -part- of the service. Silence is sometimes like the margin of a page. It was an integral part.

The silence of God in my life is not an awkward pause where God has forgotten me, forsaken me. It is an integral part of the human experience. This music, this wonderful music, this work of the composer interspersed with legitimate, meaningful, silence was part of the entire experience. There is meaning in the music and meaning in the silence.

The Composer has not made a mistake. There is stillness, silence, quiet anticipation. There is also shouting, cursing, grumbling at the waiting. The silence is uncomfortable because I hear again what I have heard, and I am affected deeply by it.

But silence brings out the beauty of the music, and the Music is never too far from memory in the silence.

(www.annestrickland.net)

Emotions - because sometimes I write about things as foreign as rocket science

2011-02-27T23:48:00.001-08:00

[as per usual, I probably wont ever edit this from the current raw format. If I did I probably wouldn't re-publish it again.]

I have an announcement to make! Can I get a drum roll, please? Stop acting like the son in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation when he's embarrassed about it - instead you can act like the out-of-his-league wife who at least appears enthusiastic for his sake.

Are you ready? Take a moment if you aren't, because here it comes:

***I have EMOTIONS***

Now I know what you're all thinking: "Finally - the moment we've all been waiting for. At last we can say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we have caught Dustin in a lie. Everyone knows he has no emotions!" I quote a great man when I say "Dustin Kunz is just shy of pure evil." But I'm really not kidding or lying on this one - I actually do have emotions.

Now I know what you're wondering: "Where's the proof?" Right? Well here's the thing about that... I don't have much, if any. Ace, Z$, Trav and Toddles could all vouch - they've all seen me cry... once. It was the summer after I got home from a little jaunt through the desert, and I shared a bit of my own struggles to give grace to myself, and the anxiety that was welling up in my soul, and the vulnerability I was confronted with in the year that I was reasonably isolated from all to whom I was dear and were dear to me. They saw it. Then again, they'd probably lie for me anyway. I recant that: they'd almost definitely lie for me. (Remember that felony charge in Bell County, guys? What a story!)

Now don't get me wrong - I'm as emotionally unavailable as the next sociopath, at least when ti comes to showing it. I have this distinct memory of getting mad and calling my sister a bitch once. My mom told me to, in the future, calmly say "When you do ____, it makes me feel ____." My mom wasn't wrong to teach me this - not by a long shot. But it has become paradigmatic for how I deal with all conflict. Ask any girl I've ever dated. In conflict I don't yell, cry, or seem upset. And this is what I'm learning: THIS IS NOT A GOOD THING.

I'm a intellectual processor and I rely heavily on my verbal skills for just about everything. As a kid I could talk my way out of a fight, or else convince the larger kid I would win (I clearly wouldn't have). As a graduate student I talk every day, arguing this or attempting to prove that, and it turns out I'm not that bad at it. I also over-communicate. I'm more likely to give a person a play by play of my feelings than to hold back, resolve the issue, and then share. So I can talk about depression and explain to you what I feel like sometimes. I can enumerate insecurities about myself physically, psychologically and professionally. I can discuss with you unresolved issues regarding the lack of a father figure for parts of my life, as well as the immense gratitude I have for the amazing men that filled that role in my life in his stead. I can tell you about the crisis of psychology and faith I'm going through right now, and about the community from which I'm seeking spiritual rehab. I can tell you all of this with my legs crossed, my hands on one knee, using small hand motions and a level tone and myriad illustrations. (And even in my writing you can see when I make a quip or mot to keep from getting too serious.)

But all of this means nothing because you can't see it on my face, you can't read it in my posture, and you have no indication that if years of hiding (intentionally or otherwise) didn't prevent it my eyes would well up with tears and my voice begin to shake. It is hard to relate to me because with 99 out of 100 people I just don't show any emotion.

Why? Because outbursts aren't allowed, and weakness doesn't belong in men. I was the man of my house growing up, a leader amongst my group friends, in some form of leadership at work and church, and eventually a small group leader for a men's ministry and a Corporal in the Marine Corps. Everything in my history told me to show no weakness, to put on armor, and to show the world a brave face; nothing prepared me to take that armor off and show hurt.

I actually even learned to avoid showing weakness to myself, and eventually must have convinced myself it wasn't there, or at least that it shouldn't have been. I somehow, somewhere, became unaware that PAIN IS PART OF THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE. It is NOT peripheral to the closed circle that is the joy of life and existence. It is part of the whole, and realizing that is also part of the whole "joy" thing.

And this is true spiritually as well. The dessication of my heart has sapped the water from my soul as well, and sometimes I feel as dry as can be in every way.

So are you ready for the neat and tidy resolution? So am I. Too bad there isn't one. And I'm sorry if you read this far hoping this would be informational rather than confessional. But here's what I'm learning: that it is okay to show weakness, -especially to myself.- I'm not less masculine because I hurt, and because I can't get over the lyric "the aching may remain but the breaking does not"* due to the amazing promise it holds and for which my heart and soul crave.

I'm learning to intentionally seek out people I can be vulnerable with, and to seek out opportunities for it. It's not everyone in my life (and I have some -great- models for this). That's not healthy for either party. But it's select, it's solicited, and it is deeply, deeply cherished. And maybe by showing that weakness I'll make it possible for them to show it too. And maybe we'll both grow from it. Maybe I'll let myself feel more and more, and joy and pain and empathy and compassion will multiply in my heart. I'm hoping for these things, and I'm WORKING for them. So that's a bit of my journey. "I want to be a man after God's own heart - I'm not there yet, but I'm past the start!"**

*Andrew Peterson - Silence of God. He, Derek Webb, Robbie Seay, and whichever Nickel Creek member wrote Doubting Thomas have had a wonderful impact on my life lately.

**Bradley Hathaway. He will also "windmill kick you in the [emotional/spiritual] face."

In Response to an Article in Support of Early Marriage

2011-02-22T00:40:00.000-08:00

I wrote this as a facebook comment after this article was posted... again:
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2009/august/16.22.html?start=7

PREFACE: I'm obviously not married, and I'm really working through my own thoughts and beliefs on marriage, and I do not downplay the pain of divorce or the difficulty surrounding the entire discussion. I know the temptations out there, and the loneliness, but I've also watched close friends wade through the ocean of pain a divorce can cause in addition to my own experience growing up with an awesome mom, but a single mom who struggled daily to raise us and find a life of her own after her own divorce from my dad.

"I'm still working on the article for a second read-through, but just wanted to throw some rough statistics out there:

90% of men and 70% of women currently married have never been divorced. What? Then how do half of all marriages end in divorce? Notice the language and the disparity of statistics. Most people don't get divorced. Most people who get divorced get divorced multiple times. What drives the statistic up so high? 18-25 year old who get married and divorced early, and usually 2-3 times. The early marry-ers get more statistical weight than those who stay married.

We tend to use the metrics of our forebears without reaching the same maturity our forebears did. We think, hear, and say things like "My grandparents were married at 16 and 17, and my parents were married by 20 with me two years later." But we fail to recognize that -we as a generation are behind the curve... by a lot!-

Erickson and Piaget had these stages of crisis and development based on observation. They've been tweaked over time, but what is clear is this: we are between 5 and 10 years BEHIND the stages our grandparents went through, meaning they differentiated psychologically/psychosocially long before we did. We start working later, we stay in school longer, we take much longer to decide careers, and eventually we get married later. The objection that AGE does not affect divorce rates or marital readiness is true-ish: chronological age might not, but life STage certainly does. Our psychology and sociology cannot keep up with our biology.

Meanwhile we keep pumping sexually charged movies and clothes and jokes into our young men (and women) and churning out an endless spree of "chick porn" (chick flicks) and creating concepts of what a woman (and a man) should look like and how a man (and a woman) should act.

So maybe the problem isn't the -age- at which we get married. Maybe its that we as a culture (and as Christian sub-culture) have absolutely no identity in our relationships and have no practical and helpful method of enculturating a better understanding of marriage and relationships, replete with answer to questions my generation IS asking: What's the PURPOSE of marriage? How to I have a successful (FULFILLING, not just lasting) marriage? How can COMMUNITY play a role in marriage before AND after the wedding?

It's 2:38 and I still have another short paper to write before morning, so I'll stop."

Orphan Care and a Request for Support (TIME SENSITIVE)

2010-11-29T13:30:00.000-08:00

Family and Friends,

As many of you know, and quite a few of you helped make possible, I spent a month in India over the summer. This was one of the most trying experiences of my life, and also one of the most rich. One of the most difficult things about being there was interacting (and in many cases not being able to interact with) the children on the streets. Some are "working" selling gum and other goods; others are contracted beggars. Many are truly begging for themselves or their families. Quite a few of these kids are orphans.

When I returned from India, I began to train for a half-marathon called Chosen: Marathon for Adoption. Several people my own age reached deep into their pockets to sponsor my run and put money towards a specific adoption, or else put money towards the cause of Chosen which was for a specific orphanage overseas.

If you have followed my academic work, my preaching, or my blog over the last year or so, you know that the biblical mandate to "care for widows and orphans in their distress" has become precious and personal for me, especially in the last year. A few days ago I was given another opportunity to grow in my knowledge and support of this cause. I have been invited on a short-term trip during the Christmas break/pause to join a team to an orphanage in east Asia. An ongoing partnership effort has the potential to aid overseas orphanages in their mission with support from US churches and organizations. The third party organization helps forge those connections. Because we believe it is proper, as stewards of the resources alloted us, to evaluate the things we pour into, such orphanages and organizations must be evaluated, and part of that mean an "eyes-on, boots on the ground" assessment should be made whenever possible.

My interest in going is multi-faceted. In addition to actually working in the orphanage, I would have the chance to learn first-hand what holistic orphan care looks like, and how best the American church can partner with the Church around the world. I view this as an opportunity for spiritual formation, education, and action for the orphans as well as the awareness for the church of God's work in the world.

I could use your help in two ways. First, I would like people to be praying for me, the small group going, the churches and organization involved. The best part of this is that whether or not I end up going, this prayer will still be necessary. Please contact me back if this is something you can join in, and I'll keep you updated by e-mail. The second way is, you guessed it, financially.

Normally, you have months to raise such support for such an endeavor. However, as the opportunity has just landed in my lap, we have days. My ticket will cost between $1,100 and $1,300, and will need to be purchased within the week. I will make arrangements for all of my other travel and trip expenses, but this is one obstacle I cannot hurdle without your help.

Because of the rushed nature, I am not asking for checks to be sent immediately. I know that sound's backwards. Instead, I'm asking for you to consider whether or not you would like to partner with me financially, and then e-mail, text, or Facebook message me with the amount. IF I reach the amount required for a ticket, I will contact you with an electronic check system, or an address where you can mail a physical check if you prefer. This way, in the event that I we cannot cost the threshold dollar amount, you don't have to worry about the check popping up 14 months later in a bank in a small country formerly associated with the Soviet Union.

Please respond if you are interested in supporting me financially, or if you have advice on what to keep my eyes open for, suggested reading, or suggested prayer subjects. Feel free to forward this as you see fit.

With appreciation for your time, energy and support,

Dustin Kunz

B.A., Theology / Philosophy, Univ. Mary Hardin-Baylor
M.Div. Candidate, George W. Truett Theological Seminary, Baylor University

(my email has been acting a bit strange lately, so I apologize for those who get this twice!)

A quick jaunt through the Bible: Justice, Righteousness, Orphans, Widows, and Aliens

2010-11-08T09:21:00.000-08:00

[This is the product of my search thing text for things like alien/sojourner, widow, orphan/fatherless, justice, righteousness, etc. I don't know how to preach this, not because the text isn't clear, but because I cannot understand how the text can be so clear and yet these issues be so peripheral for my denomination.]

Deuteronomy 27:17-21

¹⁷ "'Cursed be anyone who moves his neighbor's landmark.' And all the people shall say, 'Amen.'

¹⁸ "'Cursed be anyone who misleads a blind man on the road.' And all the people shall say, 'Amen.'

¹⁹ "'Cursed be anyone who perverts the justice due to the sojourner, the fatherless, and the widow.' And all the people shall say, 'Amen.'

²⁰ "'Cursed be anyone who lies with his father's wife, because he has uncovered his father's nakedness.' And all the people shall say, 'Amen.'

²¹ "'Cursed be anyone who lies with any kind of animal.' And all the people shall say, 'Amen.'

Job 31:16-22 ¹⁶ "If I have withheld anything that the poor desired, or have caused the eyes of the widow to fail,

¹⁷ or have eaten my morsel alone, and the fatherless has not eaten of it

¹⁸ (for from my youth the fatherless grew up with me as with a father, and from my mother's womb I guided the widow),

¹⁹ if I have seen anyone perish for lack of clothing, or the needy without covering,

²⁰ if his body has not blessed me, and if he was not warmed with the fleece of my sheep,

²¹ if I have raised my hand against the fatherless, because I saw my help in the gate,

²² then let my shoulder blade fall from my shoulder, and let my arm be broken from its socket.

Psalm 10

¹⁷ O LORD, you hear the desire of the afflicted; you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear

¹⁸ to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more.

Psalm 82:3-5 ³ Give justice to the weak and the fatherless; maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute. ⁴ Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked." ⁵ They have neither knowledge nor understanding, they walk about in darkness; all the foundations of the earth are shaken.

Psalm 94:5-8 ⁵ They crush your people, O LORD, and afflict your heritage. ⁶ They kill the widow and the sojourner, and murder the fatherless; ⁷ and they say, "The LORD does not see; the God of Jacob does not perceive." ⁸ Understand, O dullest of the people! Fools, when will you be wise?

Psalm 146:9-10 ⁹ The LORD watches over the sojourners; he upholds the widow and the fatherless, but the way of the wicked he brings to ruin. ¹⁰ The LORD will reign forever, your God, O Zion, to all generations. Praise the LORD!

Proverbs 23:10-11 ¹⁰ Do not move an ancient landmark or enter the fields of the fatherless, ¹¹ for their Redeemer is strong; he will plead their cause against you.

Isaiah 1:16-18 ¹⁶ Wash yourselves; make yourselves clean; remove the evil of your deeds from before my eyes; cease to do evil, ¹⁷ learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause. ¹⁸ "Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.

Isaiah 1:23 ²³ Your princes are rebels and companions of thieves. Everyone loves a bribe and runs after gifts. They do not bring justice to the fatherless, and the widow's cause does not come to them.

Isaiah 10:1 Woe to those who decree iniquitous decrees, and the writers who keep writing oppression, ² to turn aside the needy from justice and to rob the poor of my people of their right, that widows may be their spoil, and that they may make the fatherless their prey!

Jeremiah 5:28-29 They know no bounds in deeds of evil; they judge not with justice the cause of the fatherless, to make it prosper, and they do not defend the rights of the needy. ²⁹ Shall I not punish them for these things? declares the LORD, and shall I not avenge myself on a nation such as this?"

Jeremiah 7:6-7 if you do not oppress the sojourner, the fatherless, or the widow, or shed innocent blood in this place, and if you do not go after other gods to your own harm, ⁷ then I will let you dwell in this place, in the land that I gave of old to your fathers forever.

Jeremiah 22:3-4 ³ Thus says the LORD: Do justice and righteousness, and deliver from the hand of the oppressor him who has been robbed. And do no wrong or violence to the resident alien, the fatherless, and the widow, nor shed innocent blood in this place. ⁴ For if you will indeed obey this word, then there shall enter the gates of this house kings who sit on the throne of David, riding in chariots and on horses, they and their servants and their people.

Ezekiel 22:6-8 ⁶ "Behold, the princes of Israel in you, every one according to his power, have been bent on shedding blood. ⁷ Father and mother are treated with contempt in you; the sojourner suffers extortion in your midst; the fatherless and the widow are wronged in you. ⁸ You have despised my holy things and profaned my Sabbaths.

Zechariah 7:9-10 ⁹ "Thus says the LORD of hosts, Render true judgments, show kindness and mercy to one another, ¹⁰ do not oppress the widow, the fatherless, the sojourner, or the poor, and let none of you devise evil against another in your heart."

Malachi 3:5 ⁵ "Then I will draw near to you for judgment. I will be a swift witness against the sorcerers, against the adulterers, against those who swear falsely, against those who oppress the hired worker in his wages, the widow and the fatherless, against those who thrust aside the sojourner, and do not fear me, says the LORD of hosts.

Hosea 14:3 In you the orphan finds mercy."

James 1:27 ²⁷ Religion that is pure and undefiled before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

RIGHTEOUSNESS and JUSTICE (7x, 11x j&r, 18 total)

Psalm 103:6 ⁶ The LORD works righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed.

Proverbs 21:3 ³ To do righteousness and justice is more acceptable to the LORD than sacrifice.

2 Chronicles 9:8 [to Solomon] he has made you king over them, that you may execute justice and righteousness."

Ecclesiastes 5:8 ⁸ If you see in a province the oppression of the poor and the violation of justice and righteousness, do not be amazed at the matter, for the high official is watched by a higher, and there are yet higher ones over them.

Jeremiah 9:24 ²⁴ but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the LORD."

Jeremiah 22:3 ³ Thus says the LORD: Do justice and righteousness, and deliver from the hand of the oppressor him who has been robbed. And do no wrong or violence to the resident alien, the fatherless, and the widow, nor shed innocent blood in this place.

Jeremiah 23:5 ⁵ "Behold, the days are coming, declares the LORD, when I will raise up for David a righteous Branch, and he shall reign as king and deal wisely, and shall execute justice and righteousness in the land.

Ezekiel 45:9 ⁹ "Thus says the Lord GOD: Enough, O princes of Israel! Put away violence and oppression, and execute justice and righteousness. Cease your evictions of my people, declares the Lord GOD.

“justice” appears approx. 135 times in the ESV, while “injustice” (from a few different roots) appears another 25+

Doubt, Hope, and Gardening

2010-11-03T21:40:00.000-07:00

[this is a sermon I preached for Texts and Communication @ Truett Seminary, Baylor University. It bears the marks of context and audience, and for that I do not apologize]

Dubito ergo cogito; cogito ergo sum. I doubt therefore I think; I think therefore I am. Rene Descartes is famously credited with doubting, and therefore proving, his own existence. I do not often doubt my own existence, but I do question, and even doubt, what to do with said existence. Perhaps Descartes is a bit removed from our context, so a local personality is more apropos: Eric Howell, pastor of Dayspring, told the story of a conversation he once had in which he was given counsel which has derivatively been helpful to me. The gentleman responded, “You have faith. You also have some doubt. That’s okay: most of us have some of both.” Another set of pastors and church planters gave similar pieces of advice. Francis Chan said “everyone who follows His [God’s] call will experience pain, and will think about quitting…. Let ‘em beat you up, and love ‘em in return…. [and] don’t be surprised when trials come.”

With all of this counsel, I have my own doubts and questions. And you probably have your own queries and road blocks which interfere with your desire to move forward in ministry. I want you to be aware of one or two of yours as I continue, and in that rite I will share with you a few of my own.

· What is Scripture? Is it prescriptive of our faith, or just descriptive of the faiths (plural) of our forebears?

· What will I do in ministry, and is that actually what I’m supposed to do?

· What does and should church look like?

· What exactly is my calling anyway?

· Then there is the overarching missiological question, “What is the mission of God in the world?”

And surely there are better preachers, pastors, exegetes, and theologians than you and I out there. They have larger vocabularies and Ivy League degrees and personal mentors and systematic brains and perfect teeth and tailored suits and whatever else you need to succeed. And so I have to wonder: Can God use me in the midst of my questions and my doubts. But there’s an even more difficult question to answer: “Does He?” And yet here we are, humans, and admittedly not necessarily the crème de la crème of the bunch. We are, to hijack Karl Barth, incapable of saying anything about God, and yet we are commanded to do so.

I’m relatively short, and so is my attention span, so I tend to like short parables, simple similes, and the like. It seems that Mark did also. Jesus says “with what can we compare the kingdom of God, or what parable shall we use for it? It is like a grain of mustard seed, which, when sown on the ground, is the smallest of all the seeds on earth, yet when it is sown it grows up and becomes larger than all the garden plants and puts out large branches, so that all the birds of the air can make nests in its shade.” It is curious that Mark, probably hyperbolically, tells us that Jesus taught only in parables, and yet he records so few. Perhaps he considers this one of special importance.

Matthew also records the parable in chapter 13, though for Matthew parables are anything but a sparse crop. Matthew records quite a few longer and shorter parables. He mentions mustard seeds another time in chapter 17, again making reference to how small the seed is. Mark precedes this with a note on growth. A person may plant, and may see growth, but she never knows just how the groth takes place. Matthew, however, couples this parable with a similar comparison to leaven, noting how the small, seemingly insignificant has a great yield.

I would like to suggest to you a certain hermeneutic with which to approach the biblical text. It is not a revolutionary hermeneutic—in fact it is actually derived from the text itself. I call it “the absurdity principle.” Just think about it: God picks Abram, who is old, has a barren wife, and who’s future is in the family business of idol-making, and He calls this guy to become the progenitor of a great people and lead that people to worship a God for whom no idol can be made. Isaac is so dumb that when his father leads him up a mountain to make a sacrifice, he fails to fully comprehend that the only thing they have to sacrifice is him! Jacob is the second born, and is a complete mama’s boy. Joseph, Genesis 37 tells us, got lost wandering in a field looking for his brothers, whom he didn’t even realized despised him. Moses was a Hebrew, raised by Egyptians, who wasn’t liked by either bunch. David was nothing to look at when compared with the mighty Saul, and Jeremiah was just a kid. Ruth was a Moabite widow, Esther a Jew in Babylon who married the oppressor, and Rahab a prostitute and a liar. John the Baptist would never have fit in with the American Apparel V-neck, skinny jeans, and Tom’s culture. Fisherman, tax collectors, and shady women were Jesus covenant group, and when Jesus was around Roman centurions and Gentile women received the greatest accolades for their faith.

JESUS himself is probably the greatest example of this principle, wouldn’t you say? The craftsman son of a scandalized “virgin” turned widow, who himself becomes a crucified criminal as an enemy of the state and religious order (and all this before being emergent was cool)! What’s more: we proclaim this crucified criminal to be the most righteous human to have ever walked the earth who preached the message that irrevocably changed the world that God came down here because God is Deus pro nobis – God for us!

I don’t need to proof-text that which is one every page of the New Testament and in every book of the Old – I could preach this Absurdity Principle from the Table of Contents, verses 1-66.

In Genesis 12, God promised to make a great people of Abraham. In Matthew and Mark He said a great tree or plant comes from a ridiculously small seed. He promised Abraham that he would be “blessing to all peoples.” In our Gospel texts, Jesus said that in that mustard plant many tired birds could find rest.

And so I return to my own personal doubts, and you can probably rapidly recall your own. Does God use people like us? When we are at our best we are keenly aware of the smallness of our selves, and yet also of the promise inherent in the parable of the mustard seed. God uses the mystery of plant growth and the exponential yield of the mustard seed and the leaven to illustrate how His kingdom comes. Therein we can and must embrace our parallel lowly status; there is comfort.

Because isn’t it just like the King of the Kingdom of Heaven to use an

· idol-maker’s son and a now-barren future mother.

Isn’t it just like the king to use a

· Jewish woman in exile and a

· Moabitess in Israel’s midst and

· a prostitute in Jericho?

Isn’t it just like the King to use

· a speaker with a stutter,

· a fisherman turned Apostle, and a

· murderer turned missionary?

Isn’t it just like our King to use

· a doubtful preacher to proclaim a sure message of hope,

· a wounded woman to heal hearts, and

· even a theologian to do some good every once in a while?

Isn’t it just like our King?

Our King, the King of the Kingdom of Heaven, built something brilliant out of barrenness. Our King used Christ the crucified criminal to pant His kingdom, and he uses us mustard seeds, replete with doubts, questions, and impairments, to grow the plant of the kingdom, of the plant where the tired might find rest.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ci4S_HUIsZ0

Chosen: Marathon for Adoption (an Invitation to Support)

2010-10-19T12:20:00.000-07:00

Family and Friends,

This is invitation to you to help support adoption abroad and at home.

As some of you already know, this weekend I will be running in an the inaugural Chosen: Marathon for Adoption (www.marathonforadoption.com

) this weekend. There are two distances: a half and a full marathon. I will be running the half, which is 13.1 miles. I've been training for this for several months, working through a knee injury from my time in the Marine Corps, some shin splints, and a grade 2 ankle sprain. I've dropped all the muscle mass I gained from lifting weights over the years, and have spent most of my Saturdays this semester either running in the morning, or recovering all afternoon and evening. It's been tough training, and this Saturday it will pay off in Gruene, TX.

Why do this to myself? Because it's a way that I can expend my time, energy, and money on something that matters a great deal to me: adoption. I know that sounds odd, given that I'm single and not in the process of adoption myself. But in spite of, or perhaps because of, my stage in life, I can support this in other ways as my passion grows for it. The Apostle Paul uses the metaphor of adoption for how God brings us into His family, declares us His sons and His daughters, and gives us an inheritance as a blood-descendant would in ancient times. Early Christians were known in part because of adoption. Weak, sick, or unwanted children would be left on doorsteps or on hills outside of towns to either die or be taken by temples or brothels to serve as prostitutes from a very young age. Christians would take the children into their own homes, raise them as their own children, and rescue them from a short, dangerous, and rather unsavory life. We talk a lot about ending abortion through legal means, but what about expending our lives and resources in that cause?

Do you realize that there are really only 40,000 adoptable orphans around the world. By adoptable, we mean orphans who can be adopted by Americans because they are not being supported by the nation in which they currently reside. That means that if 6% of professing believers adopted a child a piece, that 40k would be taken into homes. That statistic sounds simplistic, and obviously taking a child into your home is a monumental commitment - one you may not even be able to make at this point.

SO here's what I'm soliciting: I've paid my entry fee, covered my training, travel, and equipment costs, and spent the time and energy preparing myself. I'm asking you, now, and anyone to whom you send this, to sponsor me this weekend. For every mile I run in under 10 minutes (not just average, but actually run under 10:00), you put money aside. You pick the amount, you send it in, and it will go to an adoption currently in progress that is being held up due to financial constraints. If you commit a dollar, the maximum cost to you is $13.10. If you commit $10/mile, the maximum you'll spend is $131. To make sure I actually run that time and that distance, you can follow my live updates every mile on my Facebook (facebook.com/dustin.kunz

), or check twitter.com/dustinkunz

after the race where I will post as soon as I regain my fine motor skills after the race.

You can send the donations to 1318 James Ave #B, Waco, TX 76706 or use PayPal and send the money to dtkunz@austin.rr.com with the memo as "adoption." If you would prefer to support the Ukrainian orphanage directly, there is contact information on the Marathon for Adoption website. Other fantastic resources can be found on the website for the now past "Together for Adoption Conference" website (www.togetherforadoption.org

). The good news is that, even though this support letter is going out late due to some red tape I needed to cut through, there IS NO DEADLINE for your support.

I appreciate any and all support, and encourage those who can make it out for this and similar events to join the runners and volunteers and learn more about adoption, about how to support those who are already taking part in this mission, and to enjoy what God is doing in the world!

"Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." - James 1:27

"He has told you, O man, what is good;
and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love steadfast mercy,
and to walk humbly with your God?" - Micah 6:8

"Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation." - Psalm 68:5

--
Cpl. Dustin Kunz, USMC (OIF Veteran)

B.A., Theology / Philosophy, Univ. Mary Hardin-Baylor
M.Div Candidate, Truett Theological Seminary, Baylor University
and Runner

Depression is, well: depressing

2010-10-17T23:56:00.000-07:00

(I know it's too long and unedited. Walk it off.)

[I'm going to preface this by saying that this purpose of this post is NOT about you worrying about me, or about my needing attention. It's about a conversation we need to be having, and that is worth having, and that is most certainly within the scope of the Church's license to discuss.]

So you know how when little kids fall down and they look around to see if anyone is paying attention? And if anyone is looking on, they start to cry; if no one pays them any heed, they just pick themselves up and continue on with life. Being deathly afraid of children and the semi-permanent to permanent damage my presence, demeanor, and sense of humor, carefully coupled with my inability to read and then deal with emotions (mine or otherwise), I don’t know any of this firsthand. But either normal people told me about it, or I read about it in a photo somewhere.

So my policy on life, injuries (or which I have many), and any incident of idiocy is kind of the reverse: when I get hurt, fall down, run into a table, trip and hit my head on the wall, or get mauled by bears, I want people to see it. I want them to see it and ENJOY it. Because let’s be honest: it’s funny. When people do dumb stuff, other people should get to enjoy it. The Jackass movies and my life are the two longest running institutions with this policy. Once, while skiing, I got a little two much air coming over a hill and failed to land the jump. I ended up impacting the snow, having a ski fly off and smack into my other leg, and leave me face first in the snow in front of a man in my church who had just answered affirmatively to my request to date his daughter. At the end of the day we were swapping stories and, as I told mine, someone asked, “That was you?!” It was so epic they remembered it, even though they’d been riding the lift at the time. In that instant, in that query, it suddenly became completely okay that walking on my now purple, swollen shin was barely bearable. Bottom line: if I get hurt, but someone got to enjoy seeing it happen, it usually makes it worth it.

So I’ve been trying to figure out how to write this post for weeks (pronounced “months” if we’re honest). It never seemed to flow smoothly in the barrage of blog ideas. There’s very little about depression that creates opportunities for me to work in two or three obligatory Teen Girl Squad (forever hereafter “TGS”) references. But here goes:

I struggle with DEPRESSION. I have since I was twelve, and in general I’m pretty sure I always will until this earth is renewed or I go to the dirt to wait to wait for whatever The Big Guy Upstairs has cooking. I try to understand my depression, so I classify it whenever I can, which is usually after the fact. A common trigger for me is exhaustion/tiredness. When I was a kid and in a bad mood my grandmother, or “G” as I call her, used to say that I was either tired, hungry, or constipated. Grandmothers say stuff like that. And understanding that being tired doesn’t help, sometimes I just need to sleep it off. But I find different types or manifestations of depression in myself.

-There’s the assessment of no value in my life or person. No matter what I think or do I just can’t shake the simple fact that I don’t like myself. I know I have people who care about me and love me and can list off good things about me (or could if there were a financial incentive in view). And even on these days I know that any other day I too could call up something about myself of which I am fond. But on these days I reach into my brain for some pick-self-up and I get 404-ed (TGS reference #1). For those who don’t know because you’re just too young, “Error 404: file not found” was what used to come up in the browser when a page couldn’t be found, or when you were previously connected to the internets, but someone called the phone line and AOL dropped your connection.

-Rage internalized is another type, it turns out. This is, in my experience, often the more blatantly spiritual side of the coin. It is like I’m being followed around by some creature, like an evil possum (TGS ref #2) that can talk, and he (or she) just keeps telling me that I need to take my own life. This is all there is, and it would be easier on everyone, myself included, if I’d just move on. The first time I experienced this I was in the seventh grade and on the floor of my mom’s bathroom, lying there trying to find a shaving razor in the cabinet to break open and get hold of the blade…. Once, shortly after returning from Iraq, I took the pistol that I own and removed the magazine, placed the mag in my room and the pistol under a roommate’s pillow. I left it there, away from myself, knowing that a .40 caliber hollow point was far more accessible than the blade in a Venus3. Even more recently I had one week where I was severely depressed and read a point in the last two days when suicidal thoughts were all that I could hear. I say “one week” instead of “a week” because it was literally ONE week, to the hour. Circa 10am on a Tuesday to circa 10am the next Tuesday. No discernable cause, no discernable cure. It came, it was dark enough to want to get arrowed (TGS ref #3), and then it was gone.

So if it isn’t pertinent to the content of a particular post I want to write or to a point I want to make, then why write about it? This is pretty dark stuff to post on the interwebs, isn’t it? The answer is that although this doesn’t always directly affect the topic of the day, it colors so much of the conversation for me. It affects how I think about myself, about God, about others, the state of the world, and what it means to “be a blessing to all peoples,” including my own.

But any church or ministry that considers giving me a job will likely read this thing. And any girl I try to date has access to it as well. And let’s not even mention the fact that real people (not theoretical constructs like employers that will hire me or girls that will date me) – people with whom I still have to interact on a daily basis, just might read this.

But it’s like I said: If I get hurt, but someone got to enjoy seeing it happen, it usually makes it worthwhile. Sometimes I fall, and if someone else can benefit or grow from that, then it helps make it worth it.

Statistics say that 1/5 to ¼ of all college students will experience depression, to some degree, in their four (or five? Six?) undergraduate years. That means that 75-80 percent of you have no idea what I’m talking about. But some of you do. Some of you, to greater and lesser degrees, know exactly what I’m talking about. You’ve felt it too. You’ve looked inside, or at least thought that was inside, and seen nothing worth preserving and nothing worth continuing on for. Or maybe you’ve just become so overwhelmed that you got so down it was easier to sleep than interact or study or go to work or pick up your kids or answer the baby when it was crying or go to your little brother’s birthday party. I get that. You’re not the only one.

And I STRUGGLE with the THEOLOGICAL questions of it all, too. I really do believe in a good God, a Jesus who gets us and chose to walk among us, and a Spirit who speaks to us and could whisper warm, fuzzy statements into my ears all the time, insulating me from the hardness of some parts of life. Why doesn’t God just take this away from me? And the answer I have to offer: I don’t know.

But here’s what I do know, and I think it is part of my answer. I have seen SO MUCH GOOD come out of my discussion of depression. And not just my talking about it, but my OPENLY discussing it with others. In the last few months, I’ve

-shared my struggles and given others the opportunity and courage to share their struggles too

-started a dialog with a family member who is also depressed and self

-medicates with alcohol more often than either of us would admit

-learned how much I need other

-learned how much others need me

-learned that allowing others to help bear my burdens isn’t nearly as burdensome on them as I’d thought

-seen victory in my life over private suffering and questioning-found the friends that call just when I need, and want to walk this road with me.

-seen God work powerfully in some of life's deepest pits (Genesis 37, where Joseph spends the middle of the chapter)

I’ve seen more blessings, and been more humbled, and moved to more honesty and true community than I will try to communicate here. It’s enough to point towards those things, I hope, and to open the conversation a little wider.

On 27 June I was sitting at Mozart’s in Austin writing about how I was going to start writing about my God, depression, struggles with sexual immorality and sin, and all kinds of other topics. In fact, I was preparing to preach and to talk about those things therein. That morning I wrote, “I might even make a fool of myself, too. But maybe it’ll work, instead of pushing the status quo.” Then a friend, who’s testimony is not dissimilar in some ways to mine, preached a sermon that more or less duplicated my journal entry. And at the end he talked about Manute Bol. This guy was a professional basketball player who took every endorsement opportunity he could get. He made inordinate sums of money in his time, and he spent it all. The guy made a fool of himself in advertising other peoples junk, and worked so hard in the basketball court to be the best, and he finished his life with very little money or worldly possessions to speak of. A story like every other, right? Wrong. The guy went broke building –hospitals- for people in need. Being Sudanese himself, he sent the money he made almost immediately to help Sudanese refugees.

I’m 5’7’’ and have terrible hand-eye coordination, so it’s unlikely to say the least that I’ll ever make millions on the hardwood. And my professional Ultimate (Frisbee) career isn’t taking off the way I’d hoped. But I have some assets: dignity, self-respect, a voice, a vote, a small checking account, and a near encyclopedic knowledge of the early TGS episodes. And if I can expend those things, making a fool of myself, and sharing the work that God is DOING (and not just wait until it is done and in the rear-view) in me and in the world around me, I’d say that’s worth it. No hopes of a job or a date or laying low amongst my peers can overwhelm that.

I don’t fear a whole life spent being depressed. I fear that I’ll forget the hard parts of my life and the grace of God in them, and that I’ll forget to share that with others, and thereby waste it. Here’s to not wasting it.

(originally posted at afireinmybones.blogspot.com)

MARRIED PEOPLE SUCK

2010-09-28T12:18:00.000-07:00

Okay, so that’s not true of all of them. In fact a lot of them are great. It is mostly newlyweds that bother me.

They start out fun. They start out involved. They start out in mutually-invested relationships. Basically, they start out single. Suddenly they get married and they sometimes display, and sometimes even say, “Look, we are just at different stages in life. When we were single, we had single friends. But now we’re married and we need to have more married friends, and to do stuff with folks who understand the challenges and questions we now face.”

Yeah, that’s right! They somehow get the gall (like a divine gift imparted at the vocalization of vows) to intimate the crazy idea that because I am single and haven’t been close enough to their sitz em leben that I clearly have no idea of the struggles they face, or of how hard marriage is, or how to rejoice in the good things about their relationships. This frustrates me, enrages me, makes me want to punch a kitten.

And the most infuriating part: they’re right. They’re right about all of those things. A single, short conversation will prove unequivocally how correct their statement is.

And that’s my point. I don’t know. I really don’t. Many of us don’t, in fact. So many of us grew up with one parent like I did, or with no parents (at least in a traditional sense). Of those who have both parents, very few would say their marriages were a “success” in more than the arena of longevity. Even in those exceptions, most kids weren’t around for the early years of mom’s and dad’s wedded life, except in a cyclical “eat, sleep, defecate” sort of way.

I taught swim lessons to teens last summer, and this year I got to teach them to pre-K through second grade students. It was surprisingly difficult, because I had forgotten how to learn how to swim. I’m a competent swimmer. I can front crawl for a mile or so, and out sprint most of the other lifeguards for a couple hundred meters, so I should be able to teach others, right? Wrong. It is so easy to forget how you learned something. You’ve taken the parts and synthesized them, and now you can’t remember what they looked like when they were words and movements. I really had to reach back to remember the learning process… and I didn’t even really learn this stuff until I was 22!

But somehow we’ve decided, as a generation, that being married is mostly about us. That’s the goal, and once we get there, we’re done. Except that those who have gotten then are asking “How do we proceed forward from here?” When I talk to married couples it usually goes like this:

Dustin: “So how’s married life?”Married person, who in my mind has the voice of a teen girl squad member: “It’s good.”

If they’re feeling EXTRA vulnerable, it goes “It’s good. It’s hard, but you know, it’s good.” And that’s it. End of conversation. I can press, and with those I know/knew well, I certainly do. And when I do I get this flood of descriptions, of stories, of how hard it is and how marriage teaches you just how selfish you are and how you fight more often than you expected. And next week they tell me how sweet the other person was, or how understanding, or how self-less, and how confession and repentance and forgiveness are sweet within the safety and bond of a sanctifying union.

But unfortunately many of those conversations never happen, for me or for most. We paint this picture in our heads of what marriage is supposed to look like and because we’ve never REALLY seen it done in honesty, in transparency, in the shear gross-ness that is the result of human sin, we’re shocked when it sucks. Marriage is the great bait-and-switch of our lives.

Unmarried folks aren’t off the hook here. We let this happen, and sometimes cause it. We want to keep distance, even when they let us in. I need to learn to lean in harder, to ask more questions and struggle through to better answers. I need to walk closely with and pray WITH and FOR these couples. They, and we, need to see people struggle and God work in those relationships. In the one brief foray I’ve made into the dating world in the last 3 years (which resulted in failure due to my own machinations, uncertainties, and insecurities), I went to a drive-in movie once and was obliged to sit with another couple (albeit an AWESOME one) while everyone else piled into the other auto. It wasn't that I didn't (or don't) enjoy spending time with her or with them, but that the rest of the group so readily cordoned us off from themselves. I don’t want that in dating, and I don’t want to do it to my married friends either.

-A couple of friends got married recently, and at their wedding they played lawn games (Bocce Ball, croquet, etc.) and enjoyed time with their guests. They had fun and interacted with the people who were part of their lives and relationships from the start

.-A “brother” for many years invites me to spend time with he and his wife, and visits me in my home, and allots “guy time” for life and conversation whenever our schedules can collide.

-A few couples are adamant about asking me to dinner and talking life with me, and they’re doing an amazing job.-Once, when I was struggling deeply with depression, my worship pastor’s wife said I should come over for dinner with them sometime soon. In spite of work and raising a kid and doing normal life, the fact that grown ups would care to spend some of the precious little free time they had left me in tears (in private, or course, because I’m a man).

-It's beautiful to talk with a friend who's about to be a dad and a pastor and talk about tough married stuff. He's real with me, and it makes bus ride into a sermon on the mount.

-I struggle, even as a guy, with the IDOL of a wife, and eventually my own family. Many of us do, and we manifest it in so many ways (blog post to come on this). Like all idols, promises are made and broken, people are disappointed, and mistakes are made trying to make good on those hopes. Seeing how hard it is for really good people that are part of my life help crush the idols, freeing me from their lies, and allowing me to seek the Satisfier without destroying a marriage in the process.

********************************MARRIED FOLKS, here’s my plea:

-Let us SEE your pain, and your joy.

-Invite us, even PRESSURE us to walk with you in this stuff.

-SHOW us how to exegete relationships and conflicts and God in the midst of those things.

The Bible has a crazy word for this kind of living. It implies leading, following, and requires a great cost be paid, though it shall be returned as a blessing. It’s called “discipleship.”

*This isn't an accusation, especially of those who I don't do life with any longer. If it applies to you, own it and move forward. But this isn't a direct attack. For most of the people tagged, I typed in your last name and picked the first one of you that came up. Share accordingly.

Originally posted at afireinmybones.blogspot.com

ADDENDUM

Let me add a couple of things to clarify:

1) I absolutely believe married couples need people from the same situation to share and do life with them. I want to clarify that I am not recommending or requesting an exhaustive plan for couples. I'm just trying to add a concept to your radars.

2) This can be done in a way which is healthy, and in a way that is unhealthy. I don't think you air EVERYTHING, since all things have a context. And I don't think this means you have a bunch of relationships with single people of the opposite sex. In fact, I tend to shy away from one-on-one contact with married women. It's an effort to remain "above and beyond reproach," and to avoid situations in which they or I would be tempted to put an inappropriate emotional load on the other. What I'm advocating is done WITH your spouse, not in lieu of him or her.

3) Em pointed out that marriage can be really really good, and healthy. And that's something that I needed to hear. But it's one of those things that I needed to hear from a married person who willingly opened her life to me.

My Awesome Dream Today

2010-08-23T10:38:00.001-07:00

I decided I needed a little more sleep, so I laid back down for a few more minutes. In a 24 minute nap, I dreamed this: I acquired a piece of "alien-tech" that fit into the same adapter as a miniSD card, foiled Chris Pillsbury's attempt to make a copy of that information as I used his computer to scan in, met Matthew Maron on base in the midst of a lockdown (why did he work for the press? And why was he wearing Marine cammies? I don't know), and has he turned around to drop me off so he could flee. We witnessed a kidnapping in progress and I went to foil it, but my gun misfired and I had to punch a guy in his 50's and use a figure 4 rear blood choke to knock his wife out. As she fell unconscious, I made a joke and everyone laughed. It was AWESOME!

Update: I totally forgot to mention that one of the ways I avoided getting shot was by, when my gun started functioning, shooting directly at the target as the target engaged me, causing our bullets to hit each other in mid-air!!!

Faithfulness

2010-07-26T12:01:00.000-07:00

THE SETTING

I recently mentioned to some of you in conversation or via some comments on my blogspot that two things I’m focusing on are writing more publically and relationship with God. I know we should always be working on the latter, but what I mean is that I’ve been trying to understand what that means, as well as grow closer to God in a relational way. I think it’s crazy that God would desire to have conversations and interaction with us, but when an offer this good is laid before me, I’d be a fool not to take it.

Additionally, yesterday at church we were challenged to silence, among other things. I’m not good at silence. I’m good at doing. I’m not good at planning. According to the well-known Birkman Personality Inventory, I have a “high perceived need for activity” and a “low perceived need for rest.” I have to force myself to rest before I crash, and actually being silent is like water boarding for me. Thus this morning was admittedly frustrating. I tried to spend time in prayer and quiet contemplation at my kitchen table, but I started organizing and recycling the large collection of mail that has piled up there. Then I tried to lay face-down on my bed, but that room is a wreck, too. I pulled my fleece Spiderman blanket over my head and prayed (don’t you judge me – it is one of the greatest, most useful, and most comfortable gifts I’ve ever received). After I had prayed for a bit, and expressed many of my concerns and thoughts, I realized that this wasn’t silence either, so I just tried to listen. I’m probably not a very good listener when someone is audibly talking, so when we’re talking about this kind of prayerful listening, I wander off into adventures which, properly repackaged, could turn into everything from philosophical inquiries to romance novels to Japanese samurai movies to World of Warcraft quests. All of a sudden I’m thinking about things I want to happen, things I think will happen regardless of what I want, etc. I win the lottery; Cheerleader, So and So, and What’s Her Face are all deeply in love with me; and I become the first man named the Ultimate Ultimate Player by Discraft. (Okay, so those are all comical versions of things I actually want. You get the point, I’m sure.)

Finally I decide that this isn’t working and I need to go for a walk. I put on my sandals, dirty shorts, and a olive-drab green military undershirt and go for a post-meal walk in which I know I will sweat to my death. This is pretty much how I spent every moment in India, so I’m ready for it. Then I grabbed a pair of aviator sunglasses and my microphone/headphone combo that goes to my cellular so that I could walk and talk and people not think I’ve gone rabid.

THE LESSON

Twenty minutes into my walk I was a bit frustrated. In the silence my mind fills the gaps like subconscious constructs in Inception. They’re everywhere, and they’re out to destroy this intruder known as Tranquility. I finally just prayed, “God, I’m pretty frustrated right now. I could really use SOMETHING today. If I don’t hear anything today I’ll …” and then I remember when I was a kid and I wanted something from God how I’d –threaten- that if I didn’t find X then I’d simply stop believing in Him – that’d show Him. And I laughed at myself a bit, and I finished the thought.

-“If I don’t hear anything today I’ll… just come back and do the same thing tomorrow. Because I’m called to a life of faithfulness, not a life of results, aren’t I?”-

Living faithfully is a lot harder than living for results, at least for me. I can effect results. I can, in most situations, bring about the desired result. I may have to sell my soul to do it, but I can make it happen…. Okay, perhaps not “sell my soul,” but I can certainly betray my calling by settling for something less, or taking the easy way out, or else being dishonest to achieve my preferred end. All of these things can bring about the desired RESULT.

Case in point: before I left for Iraq, I did NOT want to go. I was quite satisfied with my friendships and my location in life and my church. I was accepted to the only graduate school to which I had applied, and would probably be accepted at most others that I could wish to attend. All I had to do was say I was seriously considering the chaplaincy or Officer Candidate School, and since I’d just matriculated with a Bachelor’s Degree in Theology/Philosophy, both were viable options. I also had a knee problem (which I still have today) which I needed only claim hurt too much for me to deploy effectively. Any of these options would have allowed me to stay home and go on with my life, maybe even keeping pace with my friends, getting my life in order, growing up and getting a real job and a spouse and perhaps even a graduate degree with my peers. Instead, I had to learn some measure of faithfulness, trusting God to be God, sovereign and wise, and if He wanted me to stay home, I had to trust Him to bring it about. Well, I deployed, and often it was miserable. My friends moved on in life, my peers surpassed me academically, and I forgot the languages I’d striven to learn over the previous three years. It was also one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me, shaping me in ways I could not have imagined and making me more into a person worth getting to know and befriending.

I have a few good examples of times I’ve been both oriented towards faithfulness, and times I’ve sought my result without deference to truth and godliness, but I needn’t bore anyone with them today, since I’m certain anyone reading this has the same. I think something is right based on both ACTION and MOTIVE. If you want to read some Wikipedia articles, try “deontological nonconsequentialism” in regard to ethics.

So back to my point: I think God calls us to faithfulness. This doesn’t mean there are never any results. On the contrary as I have recently really struggled with faith and whether or not I believe X or Y or anything, it has been the memories of when I’ve seen God move recently that have sustained me. God spoke to me and through me and showed me what a girl was struggling with and that it would reach its fullness very soon. She confirmed it both that night, and two months later. He’s pulled me through some tough depression lately, and even used the sharing of that depression to open dialogue with family and friends. He’s been good, and He’s shown Himself to me, and those RESULTS have been sweet. But FAITHFULNESS came first. God IS FAITHFUL, and results naturally follow from that. I can see the results of God’s work in my life when I am faithful to seek him. It’s not a one-for-one exchange kind of thing. And I’m thankful for that, because what He gives is always many times what I have to offer.

I walked for half an hour and prayed and listened as best I could. I did a terrible job of it all, and waited for God’s revelation in spite of my self. And just when I think that the only thing I realized was that sometimes I’m not going to get the reward, the result that I’m looking for, in this case revelation, He graciously gave it anyway.

FAITHFULLNESS is my calling in my career, in my personal interaction, in my relationship with God. Ironically, it requires the less work than chasing results, and yet at least for me it is the harder of the two options.

Envy In Me (It's euphonic, so go with it)

2010-07-23T19:58:00.001-07:00

I am a Christian, and I struggle with Envy, and with lust (which is, I believe, just another type of envy).

A PARENTHETICAL PRE-SCRIPT
(A couple of weeks ago I vowed to start writing again. I wanted to write honestly and openly about who I am and what I struggle with. I knew that I would have to be comfortably with self-deprecation, with blunt and offensive honestly, and with the uncertainty that comes when you reveal a weakness to someone and you aren't sure how they will respond to the newly-evident chink in your previously-assumed-impenetrable armor. I figured I will probably make a fool of my self, but refusing to do so at this point would require me to knowingly make an idol of my pride and my image before other people.

All that to say this: I wrote this in stream of consciousness, without editing after or planning beforehand. If I had planned or redacted, I don't think I'd've written or posted it at all. So cope with it.

The only thing I apologize for is the length. It's been so long that verbosity has gotten the better of me.)

ENVY IN ME

Only today did it become so clear to me how much I struggle with envy. I feel that I got a bit hosed on this deal, because envy busted out some sly guerrilla tactics to get so close to my heart without my noticing. It moved silently through the night, navigating the terrain that it knew best, wounding but not killing so that I'd have to limp and slow my allies down, never truly showing its self in a discernible light.

Let me drop some knowledge on you: the eye takes pictures and sends them to the brain, which in turn recognizes specific shapes and color patterns, connecting the images to experiences or memories of those same shapes and patterns, allowing you to recognize the similarities and recognize what is before you. (That's part science, part Plato.) Camouflage (and especially the new-fangled digital stuff) breaks up those colors and shapes, confusing the brain in a barrage of new information, so that rather than notice the similarities in what you have seen (people) and what you are now seeing (a jumble), you lose those similarities in the differences. This is immeasurably more effective in low-light situations. If it helps, just think of the Elven cloaks that kept Frodo and Sam from being seen when they approached the black gate.

So that's the kind of crazy ninja moves Envy pulled on me. It never occurred to me that I was experiencing Envy's beguiling slight of hand, because I didn't envy the things that you expect to envy. And I still don't. I don't care about a nicer car, or a better set of rims. I don't need popularity, or recognition from a particular office or title, or even acceptance by society as a whole. I don't want to make a million dollars putting something through a net or across a line. I lack all forms of musical and artistic talent, I hate the sound of my voice, and I've never accomplished anything monumental (such as getting a grown up job). I don't even care to breach 5'7".

But then, if Envy attacked from the likely avenues of approach, Envy wouldn't be such a formidable foe, would it? Envy hit me in the areas that I DO value. And if Envy was the warrior, *Facebook* was the weapon of choice. Genghis Khan used gigantic drums when he was miles from a city. The inhabitants assumed a massive force was about to come over the hills at any moment, so they either panicked and fled, or else surrendered when the "scouting party" approached. They had no idea how small his band of warriors were. But can you imagine how terrifying those drums must have been?! The smartest thing to do was to simply ignore them. If you'd just ignored them you could have planned clearly, scouting the enemy lines, and / or fortified the city and hit anything or anyone valuable. But that "BOOM. BOOM. BOOM." simply wouldn't cease. It wouldn't hold off for even a few moments so you could discuss your options. "BOOM. BOOM. BOOM." It was un-insistent, un-perturbed by your meager threat of resistance, un-wavering and seemingly un-assailable. "BOOM. BOOM. BOOM." It was ever present, and in just a few days, perhaps even hours, you'd already defeated yourself because you couldn't see fit to stop listening, to regroup, to recover, to seek the aid and the counsel of those around you.

Facebook is a beating drum for me. I know I need to ignore it, to walk away, to close the lid and avoid the allure of that back-lit keyboard and that gentle, ambient light-adjusted LED glow. But for some STUPID reason, I always go back and flip through profiles and pictures, enticing my soul to yearn for what everyone else has, even though I think I deserve it more. "There's Jane, with her perfect Friday night plans. Tom just had the greatest reunion with his college buddies. Beth finished her Master's degree in a single year, while mine will take upwards of 3 and even then a job offer is unlikely." (The names have been changed to protect the fortunate.) And then there's the grand-father of them all: "Beautiful Brandi is in a relationship with Aaron Awesome." "Jared Jerkface is engaged." And now I'm pissed off. I've done this, and tried to be this kind of person, and tried to be obedient in that way, and here I am alone, without plans, missing old times before my closest compatriots went and got themselves hitched; worst of all is the obvious fact that there's no one to hear my bitching and moaning and feel sorry for me or furious with me.

Even without fbook, I'm like a moth to the flame of fits of fancy, fixating on things that may or may not even exist. "I want his relationship with God." "I want her passion for prayer and assurance that she's heard." "I want their experiences of God." "Why do they get to have this life-jolting encounter and I'm stuck in the mundane?" Do you see what I've done? I've catastrophized my own situation, fatasticalized theirs, and lost sight of reality and lost perspective on the sovereignty of God and the goodness of His hand, which "gives generously to all without finding fault."

So now I'm just ANGRY. God wont do it my way, so I'll have to handle the situation for Him. I'm going to get all those things for myself: the position, the pretty girl, the whatever. I'm going to get them whenever (as soon as possible) and however (by usurping the authority of God and playing the divine role myself). This is, I believe, exactly what Adam and Eve were doing. They took something that, for all we know, God had always intended to give them "in the fullness of time," when they were sufficiently mature to handle it. This is the exact opposite of what Christ did. Jesus "emptied himself, taking on the form of a slave...[and] humbled himself to the point of death, even death on a cross!" And then what? God "has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name..." He "endured the cross, scorning it's shame, and sat down at the right hand of God." But that's not the path I've been taking most of my life, and even now.

But I can't usurp those things - not really. I can grasp at shadows of what I truly desire, and it either blows up in my face or I realize that God does not bless that which He does not author, and it fails so miserably to satisfy that I eventually let go of that shadow of what ought/could be. (I always think of the Peverell brother who tried to bring the dead woman back to console him, but she was incomplete and couldn't truly fill the role he had assigned to her.) And usually, since I can't usurp their true form, I willfully and knowingly chase the shadow related to the desire. My youth pastor used to say "sin is a legitimate need met in an illegitimate way." If the need is success, I manufacture my own path by doing well at something that I'm not even called to (like pizza or coffee or some other job). If it is validation, I act like something I'm not to impress others so they can verify how awesome I am.

And then there's that need that I so often feel the deepest, and that I'm too often willing to stray the furthest to meet. In an attempt to flee loneliness I settle for whatever I can get. Maybe that's just flirting with a girl that I don't intend to date, ignoring the beautiful and intricate emotional network that is within her. Or maybe I try to make out with the prettiest girl in the room (cf. my active duty time in Virginia, and other brief escapades into idiocy). But those aren't the most common responses. No, they're far too obvious, too open, too easy to see and require too much confession and repentance to the women I involve in my flight from the trip to Nineveh a walk with a Holy God requires.

Instead I turn to lust and pornography as medicines for my disease. They're morphine, though, and not penicillin. Nothing gets healed or worked out, my heart isn't made better, nor my soul satisfied. The pain is just made numb for a few moments as my mind or my eyes take over. I know that addiction and a sick stomach are all I have to look forward to after. And I know that repentance will come, must come, if I am to survive at all. [I'll write a post another time on just how and why lust and the like are so enticing, and why the evil and exploitation of pornography runs so much deeper than lust. Here and now is not the time.]

**My point in sharing all of that is not to purge my conscience in confession, or to draw attention to my struggles, which certainly wont help my popularity. My point is to show one way that the things, for me at least, are connected. Letting envy run rampant, and even at times reign, leaves me vulnerable to so much more that I, in my deepest self, do NOT desire.**

No matter which need we're talking, or which narcotic I use to briefly assuage the pain, the Envy and it's outcroppings always leave me hurting.

Envy:
-STEALS my JOY by hiding the amazing gifts (by which I mean the names of those in my life who are simult justus et pecator and love me without ceasing),
-KILLS my thirst for RIGHTEOUSNESS by taking away Living Water when I'm deepest in the desert, and
-DESTROYS my relationship with God, the only true Source of Satisfaction.

REMOVING ENVY - GETTING THE HELL OUT! (puns - deal with them, or read someone else)

Now, I sincerely hope that you haven't read this far with the hope or expectation that at the end I was going to offer "three alliterated steps guaranteed to defeat Envy in your life." Remember what I said at the beginning about guerrilla tactics? Envy didn't fight in straight lines like the British musket-men of old, standing there waiting to fire a volley and receive one in return. Envy has always fought dirty, and isn't going to change anything now. So there's this principle of guerrilla warfare that says you injure one so that the others have to care for him. It slows them down, requires the use of valuable resources like food, water, bandages, and someone to carry and watch him. Sin in general has left me injured in many ways, and today I'm recognizing the wound caused by Envy. Envy is birthed of hell, and I want envy out of my head, my heart, my soul. And I'm tailoring the medical treatment to the wound. To do so, here's my prescription (in addition to more cowbell):

-Confession, and general sharing
-Refusal to try and mask the pain instead of dealing with it
-Relying on the gifts of God in my life, and ultimately on God to satisfy needs and recognize the difference between needs and wants

-**WORSHIP** - I genuinely believe that knowing, experiencing, and declaring the WORTH, the GOODNESS, and the BEAUTY of God in any way I know how will bring light into darkness (low-light conditions) and expose the hidden sin and the lies Envy and all his friends tell.

-**RELATIONSHIP** - We can debate prayer and prophecy, determinism and open theism, and any other topic you like all day long. (Seriously, we can - I've got time.) I don't have a lot (or really, any) answers to a great number of questions I've been asking for 8 years now. What I do know is this: THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A FISHERMAN AND AN APOSTLE WAS TIME SPENT WITH JESUS. I want to work on, and experience the Real, Living, Moving Presence of Christ in my life like I did before I became a systematic and historical theology student.

AD ECCLESIUM / To the Church:
-Part of the reason (I think) Marines can fight without reserve is because we know we aren't going to be left behind (at least on the battlefield) when the shit hits the fan. (It may be a different story when we get home.) Maybe you can't change the way your local gathering responds to sin, or to those struggling with all kinds of issues, but you can do your best to help when someone is injured or makes a mistake.
-Not leaving a brother or sister behind does NOT mean ignoring their sin. People without legs don't operate "Humvees." Drunks don't write battle plans. The unrepentant should never lead the church.
-Paul (1 Cor 5), Luther (Pagan Servitude of the Church), and every other leader knows there's a time when discipline must come. Don't shy away from it, but never do it without great love.

AD EXTRA-ECCLESIUM / To the Not-Church:
-I want to be honest with you: I don't have magic words to fix you. I do trust that Christ does transform us, even if not instantaneously.
-There are so many in the Christian faith today that want to converse (truly exchange in both directions) in a more humble way that some are accustomed to. We'd appreciate the chance, and we offer the same.
-Sometimes following Jesus is harder than I thought. He said it would be, his followers have confirmed it repeatedly for almost 2000 years, and I'm too stubborn to take their word for it. I wont sell you Jesus, but I will happily share my experience of Him with you.

Hebrews 12:1-2, revamped and abbreviated

2010-03-31T01:11:00.000-07:00

Back when the phrase “in the year of our Lord” was followed by a three-digit number, there was a group of fighting men from whom the Vikings descended. They were a fierce bunch, skilled in physical and psychological warfare unlike any then employed by a regular army. Legend has it that they would attack at the crack of dawn, flooding onto a battlefield, or more likely an enemy campsite, wearing nothing but blue paint, and perhaps the pelt of a wolf or bear if it was chilly out. They would use egg to spike their hair, and they looked like little “blue devils” come to take the entrenched army’s souls into the underworld (as “blue devils” do). If you’re a Duke fan here today, don’t concern yourself with that remark: there will be a special invitation for you to come and repent at the end of the service. But these demon-like men were feared like no other because they came lighting quick, struck hard, and were uncatchable, despite their lack of superior size, armor, weaponry, or steed. “How,” thought the generals, “could this riffraff be so effective?” These men were called berserkers, and they are the origin of our word “berserk.” They knew about physical warfare what the author of the letter to the Hebrew Christians knew about Spiritual warfare. You see these men knew that they could not overcome the enemy army by force, but they could overcome them by using their speed, agility, and the fearlessness. They trained, passing the ways of their predecessors onto their successors, carrying no more on their backs than was absolutely necessary.
We enter this passage on a “therefore.” We all know that any “therefore” means slow down, hold on, don’t miss what I’ve just said, since it is the crux of what I’m about to say. He has just lain down the history of the faithful men and women who came before him. Chapter 11 is called “the hall of faith.” This hall is like walking down the passage way in an old castle, filled with suits of armor, with a name plate on each one telling you who this warrior was, what he accomplished, and when. As you look side to side you are filled with courage and awe, making your heart beg your head to follow in their footsteps and do something great. In this context of the Hebrew Christian’s calling, of our calling, the great battle we wage is to live a life of faithfulness. “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses…” Side note: this isn’t a fluffy cloud in the sky that looks like a balloon animal with a cape, or a dragon with acne. This is a cloud on the ground- a fog so think even the English think it’s a bit thick on the ground. Everywhere you look, this cloud surrounds you, doing what witnesses do: giving witness. The author goes on: “let us also lay aside every weight, and the sin which clings so closely” or in another good translation “which so easily entangles….” Did you catch that? There was a word in there that I tend to gloss over, and I’m willing to bet that some of you miss it sometimes too. The author does NOT say, “Since some others ran this race well, you need to drop the dead weight to live a life of faith.” No, he says “let us also.” The word, though not explicit in the Greek text, is used by translators to emphasize the ongoing impact of the “therefore. ”Do you see the implication here: the author isn’t providing a new way of doing an old thing (walking in faith). He’s just reminding us of an old way of doing and old thing. He says that we can do it in part in the same way that our forbearers did.
We’ll take these in reverse order. The first way we can improve our Faith-walk, or here that we can run this race better is by laying aside “the sin which so easily entangles.” This is not a list of sins we hear about some far off culture or long dead churchman struggled with. This is the entrenched sin in our lives. This is the sin which has its claws so deep in you that you don’t know how NOT to trip over it. This might be the websites you visit on your computer, or it might be the relationship you know you need to get out of, or the bottle or pipe or syringe that you know is destroying your life. It may not be something so obviously sinister either. It could be the thing from which you draw your value that distracts you from God’s valuing you. Obsession with your physical or social image, your need for accomplishment, for grades, for emotional conquest. On the island of what was once called Iwo Jima, as well as others in the area, the American forces encountered resistance in measures they hadn’t anticipated in their wildest of worries. They islands were supposed to be sparsely defended, easily conquered, rolled through until the mainland. The distractions didn’t seem that strong their either. But what presented so much trouble for the advancing Marines were the enemies who were so well dug into their positions. They had entrenched themselves and found it so easy to entangle the troops in deadly crossfires. We wonder why we can’t grow, or feel closer to the father, though we leave dugouts for sin, “provisions for the flesh,” staying where we cannot stand and refusing to take the out offered us. In 1 Cor 10 Paul tells us that “God is faithful. He will not tempt you beyond what you can bear, but along with the temptation he provides a way out.” Is there a way out that you aren’t taking? Is there sin which you’ve allowed to entrench itself, and haven’t asked your friends, your family, even your spouse to help you excavate and eradicate?
The other way is by “lay[ing] aside every weight.” The idea behind this word, ogkos, is that of heavy clothing, or a burden carried around. I’ll give you two examples of this. In my squadron, there is a platoon that has an ammo can, about this big [motion with hands] full of sand. Why have a can full of sand? For “corrective training.” When a Marine makes a mistake of sufficient magnitude, he carries the can around for the day. It’s sixty pounds or of “Gee, this sure would be easier if you weren’t carrying a bunch of extra, unnecessary sand around with you!” Here’s the other. Have you ever been to a track meet? I have. If the weather is anything other than scorching, the athletes usually wear sweats or a nylon suit of some kind while they wait for their event. They’re keeping their muscles warm, and it helps to have some extra layers. But the second they move to the line, they drop all that extra, weighty clothing and next thing you know you’re staring at your kid or best friend standing there in something no father would ever let his child out in on a Friday night, except perhaps during the 80s. Track-letes know that to perform at their fullest, they can’t be fiddling with the heat, friction, and weight of a bunch of garb they don’t need, and neither can we.
Isn’t this second category just an example of the first, an explanation of the same principle? No. The first is a question of right and wrong, sinfulness versus holiness. The second is a related but separate issue. These weights can be anything good that works against God. Maybe for you that’s the possession of wealth, and maybe it is the excuse of poverty. This too could be a relationship with another Christian, which you know God has not authored or blessed, but you want it to work. Maybe it is a job that isn’t bad, and pays the bills, but you know it isn’t what God has called you to. Maybe it is the questions you ask. What I mean is this: we are so often trained to be minimalists. What do I have to do to pay the minimum? What do I need to pass? We’re like teenage boys who want to know “how far is too far?” Just so we can push all the way to that point. I would challenge you, as you face spiritual decisions, to not stop at “Is this sin?” but to go one step further to say, “Does this help me RUN? Does this make me more or less like the image Christ has lain before me?”

The exhortation continues: and let us RUN with endurance the race set before us. In the Greek this actually reads “with or through endurance let’s ‘strive to advance’ or ‘make progress’ in the ‘contest,’ ‘struggle,’ ‘fight,’ or ‘strain.’” Why point that out? Because this word, trecho, does not imply a quick sprint, but a hard trek, even a trudging at time. And this trek is accomplished through ENDURANCE. That same word THROUGH which we trek is the same attributed to CHRIST in verse 2, and again a few verses later in the chapter. This contest is not for the faint hearted, but for the heart empowered to no grow faint.

But how do we do it, then? The methods of the hall of faith are not sufficient, it seems, since David killed and slept around and couldn’t control his kids, Solomon was wise and yet somehow had many wives and foreign alliances, Moses didn’t see the promise land, and so on and so forth. Then the author switches to the new method, the new piece, the tertium quid, or “third thing” which is new to the covenant. He doesn’t change the subject to a new verb entirely, but skillfully manipulates a participles to say that the laying aside we’ve already discussed, and are hopefully making plans to carry out, are part of this third thing. This laying aside is part of the “looking to Jesus, the author and finisher, the architect and perfector, the beginner and the maturer of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning the shame, and is seated at the right hand of God.” I love that verb for looking. Listen to what the lexicon or dictionary says it really means: “to turn the eyes away from other things and fix them on something.”

Listen, you and I don’t have to live in our sin, constantly figuring out the weights and entrenched sins, hoping to swat all the spiritual mosquitoes before malaria strikes. The Spirit does that, and he does it when we turn our focus away from what distracts us or tries to distort our vision, and we FIX our eyes on Christ. He saw some great joy set before Him. He looked around and said something “Something must be worth all of this suffering. Something must be of more value than my comfort. I don’t need to surround myself with kings and world leaders. I’ll take the fisherman. The tax collectors. The addicts and the prostitutes and the greedy and the poor and the outcaste and the downcast. I’ll take schizophrenic Paul and bi-polar Peter. I’ll show my glory, the same glory as the Father, through their broken lives… and it will be my JOY.”

[I thinks this something worth inviting people to join anew in.]

In Christ the Spirit can help you find brothers and sisters who can uproot sin in your life, and the Spirit can teach you what you’re hanging on to that keeps you from running, exhausting you and draining you of spiritual energy. In Christ the Spirit can lift your chin, remove your cataracts, clear your field of vision, and enlighten you to the crowd of many witnesses so that you can FIX your eyes on the Author and Perfecter, and to know and experience that same supernatural JOY that Christ experienced in His great cost, and our great gain.

Thoughts after the Verge2010.org conference

2010-02-15T21:57:00.000-08:00

this is the content of a message I sent out, and then thought other's might be interested in responding as well. go for it.

"the Professionalization of the Ministry is a result of the failure to disciple and evangelize, is a cause of the same, and has caused us to lose the opportunity to engage in and the understanding of corporate worship." QUICK outline:

Corporate worship (CW) used to be the basis of Sunday morning gathering. now we (I'm speaking of my experience, which I believe is representative and reflective of the exp. of many in the U.S. youth group system and following) invite people to come to church with us in the hope that they will hear the Gospel, come to Jesus, and be discipled by the staff. CW becomes an evangelistic meeting instead of a CELEBRATION of that "euangelion."

Historical example: Particular and General Baptists. PBs=Calvinists, GBs=Arminians. PBs like John Gill (pastor at the church a generation before C.H. Spurgeon) boasted that they'd never given an invitation. GBs gave these drawn out "just as you are," "turn or burn" invitations.

Neither of these is properly in keeping with historical understandings of CW.

In times and places of persecution, Christians don't invite people to CW to meet Jesus: they introduce them, and then people join in CW. Willow Creek used to be the most "seeker sensitive" (their term) church, but in changing their worship so significantly they'd lost the history, the verbiage, the tradition of worship they were trying to share.

Existential Question:

So how do we understand the task of sharing the Gospel now? And what should this look like in CW today? How does this change the role of the church staff? should there even be a church staff? Recognize that the thoughts and opinions here will vary, and just because your thoughts differ from Dennis's, for example, does not mean you're wrong... or that he's wrong. Just sparking conversation.

Okay, my motives are more devious than that. These things are the work of my life and the ponderings of the depths of my soul, and so I invite you to suffer with me. I think this both productive and funny. welcome to the party.

Hong Kong's Discontent

2010-01-26T10:14:00.000-08:00

New York Times, Jan 26, 2010
Op-Ed Contributor
Hong Kong's Discontent

By PHILIP BOWRING
Published: January 26, 2010

HONG KONG — This city is normally associated with money making, not radical politics. But activism has been stirring, creating unease in Beijing and among local oligarch business interests.

However puny Hong Kong’s voices of dissent may seem, they are a reminder of the catalytic role the territory has played in politics in the past — as a source of new ideas for China and refuge for dissenters like Sun Yat-sen, Ho Chi Minh and Emilio Aguinaldo of the Philippines. As recently as 2003, 500,000 protesters paved the way for Beijing’s decision to remove the then chief executive.

This week, five members of two pro-democracy political parties are due to resign from the Legislative Council, Hong Kong’s lawmaking body. Their objective is to spark a special election that they want to use as a referendum on universal suffrage for the next elections in 2012.

At present, Hong Kong is on track for democratic reforms at a snail’s pace. The local administration, pressured by Beijing, which associates democratic development with dissent, remains reluctant to submit to greater public accountability.

The resignations come hard on the heels of a series of protests focused on local issues that seem to echo mainland dissatisfaction over abuse of power by officials who are often in league with business interests. One Hong Kong legislator — now pledged to resign — has used such tactics as throwing a banana at Hong Kong’s chief executive, Donald Tsang, to protest the obstruction of constitutional development.

All democrats, whether or not they support the move by legislators planning to resign, want more directly elected seats to the Legislature in 2012 and a timetable for the full democratic election of the legislature and chief executive.

At present, half of the 60-member legislature is chosen by mostly small constituencies of business and professional interests whose representatives are elected unopposed. The chief executive is chosen by a small group of electors approved by Beijing.

Recent demonstrations have been called to protest a government decision to spend $9 billion on a 15-mile rail link to the mainland’s high-speed train network. Critics say there is scant rationale for the project other than to please Beijing and provide business opportunities for the clique of companies that dominate Hong Kong’s property, utility and retail markets and enjoy cozy relationships with senior bureaucrats.

Many in the pro-democracy camp are uneasy about the resignations, which they see as a high-risk tactic that could harden Beijing’s stance against democratic progress. If it were to come to special elections, the democrats could well lose to Beijing-backed candidates. Many middle-class voters may decline to support more radical candidates. More likely still, the Beijing-aligned camp may simply ignore the election, removing its legitimacy as a de facto referendum.

Regardless of the outcome, local dissatisfaction with the government is unlikely to recede. It comes from several directions.

First, there is a growing underclass that is suffering from Hong Kong’s widening income gap; it believes the government is simply an accomplice of big business.

Second, there are many middle-class people who want stability but feel they are ignored by a government that stuffs its many advisory bodies with bureaucrats and yes-men.

Third, there is a student movement that wants to focus on issues ranging from environment to human rights. A government prone to avoiding decisions that upset property developers and big polluters is an obvious target for young idealists. Over-reaction by the police and government officials to student protests has added to anger.

As chief executive, Tsang appears powerless and indecisive. A holdover from British times, he is not much liked by Beijing and is seen as unwilling to defend Hong Kong’s self-government.

The harsh sentencing of dissidents in China has awakened Hong Kong to the need to defend its liberties. Yet, in an apparent breach of Hong Kong’s own laws, the government was complicit in returning a dissident to the mainland.

The rise in anti-government and anti-Beijing sentiment may seem surprising given the recent improvement in Hong Kong’s economy and its increasing dependence on the mainland’s surging economic growth. Patriotism and pride in Chinese achievements have also been on the rise.

But Hong Kong has always separated its Chinese identity from Communist Party rule. Beijing’s unholy alliance with local vested interests offsets much of its patriotic appeal. Recent mainland crackdowns on dissent and the Internet have added to Hong Kong’s fears. By the same token, Beijing’s recent moves may have strengthened Hong Kong’s role as a refuge for future Sun Yat-sens.

The legislative resignations may well turn out to be a tactical mistake. But as an assertion of commitment to values other than money-making, they will make an impression not just on Hong Kong but on China, where the intertwining of political power and money-making is germinating a new radicalism.

"If the LORD wills it," I'm going to INDIA!

2010-01-11T23:46:00.000-08:00

This was originally a word doc. Feel free to contact me if you'd like a digital copy of that:

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

I am writing you for two reasons: to update you on what I have been doing lately, and to tell you about an exciting opportunity I have this summer. Since returning from Iraq, I have spent the last year and a half pursuing a Masters of Divinity degree at George W. Truett Theological Seminary, on Baylor’s campus in Waco Texas. Graduate level studies have thus far proved both exceptionally challenging and rewarding. It is easy to get caught-up in the world of academia, to be sure, but I have also been blessed to experience the joys of applying this newfound knowledge to ministry situations and personal explorations of Scripture and theology. Over the summer of 2009, I worked at the Methodist Children’s Home as a lifeguard, swim coach, and athletic coach for at-risk youth from around the country. I am tremendously thankful for the opportunity to further my education, not just so I can put another piece of paper on the wall, but because my experiences both in and out of the classroom are preparing me to be a better minister in the future. I often say “I am here for an education, not just a degree.”
As part of that education, I have the opportunity to travel to India (and briefly to Hong Kong) this summer. I will be exposed to a culture very different from my own, and I expect to be sharpened and challenged by the experience. We will travel to Delhi, Hyderabad, Chennai, Cochin, Jaipur, Calcutta, Varanasi, Agra, and others cities during the 33 day trip (there is a map on the reverse side). To prepare I will be taking a whole host of vaccinations, reading books, and engaging media of various types on Indian culture and current events. I am most excited about seeing and serving in the place where Mother Teresa spent her life living out the Gospel.
I am asking for your help in this endeavor. Your prayer support is crucial for me as I embark on the journey of asking and hoping to answer some of the difficult questions about missions, evangelism, and how to share the Gospel in a context so different from our own. I consider this challenge beautiful and difficult, and I am excited about what is to come.
Leading up to the trip, I will be sharing prayer requests via e-mail. I will also be sending out updates throughout the trip as I am able, as well as a final trip summary to upon my return. If you would like to receive the updates, please let me know via e-mail and I will gladly add you.
I am also asking you to consider supporting me financially. The trip will cost approximately $4,500. This price includes transportation, transfers, food, lodging, and visa fees. The amount seemed daunting to me at first, but I consider this an opportunity to be amazed as I watch God provide. This experience will surely be a tool to better prepare me for ministry now and in the future. If you are able to help in any way (a small gift goes a long way), please reply through any of the contact methods below. All of your support is tax-deductible.
Thank you for the role you have played in my life! I look forward to sharing with you soon!

Dustin Kunz

1318 James Ave, Apt B
Waco, TX 76706

dustin_kunz@baylor.edu
www.facebook.com/dustin.kunz

Financial contributions can be mailed to the address below. In order to ensure that the contribution is tax deductible, my name must not appear on the actual check. A note with my name on it attached to the check is requested.

Dr. Mike Stroope
George W. Truett Seminary
Baylor University
One Bear Place, 97126
Waco, TX 76706

*Feel free to forward digital or hard copies of this letter as far and wide as you see fit!*

A comment I made about an article she posted...

2009-12-20T23:20:00.000-08:00

"If you want to stop people from becoming like me, don't burn Catcher in the Rye…burn Hustler." - Ted Bundy

I'm always amazed at how we cam glorify sex and physical appearance and accomplishments and then appear shocked at how we've gotten to the point where humans are trafficked for sex slavery and people are raped daily. We buy into some image about what we're supposed to look like and what success is supposed to be.

I hate hearing a father joke with a son about how good some 19 yr old "college coed" looks in a pair of jeans. I hate hearing a mom tell her daughter that she's never going to find a man if she doesn't lose this or wear that or interact thus.

And then a little boy finds a stash of dad's magazines before he even hits puberty, and the family is shocked that he can't hold his marriage together...

Athletes and models and actors and ______ are people, and simply that. The Father made us in His image, and the Son showed us what that looks like by displaying His glory in flesh (Jn 1:14), and the Spirit tells us how to do that in our context. I want their posters on my kids' walls one day, but hopefully having the
displayed through the lives of my kids' parents will suffice...

I Corinthians 3:5-11, No Other Foundation...

2009-04-28T11:35:00.000-07:00

I'll start with a caveat: I rewrote my sermon last night because trying to fit a format went against everything I am as a preacher. I was not being faithful to my calling and more importantly my text. I had 20 minutes, and had to fit the format, so I did so in the best way possible....

http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=FEC39A5003386DFF

“Alas! and did my Savior bleed
And did my Sovereign die?
Would He devote that sacred head
For such a worm as I?”

“At the cross, at the cross, where I first saw the light,
And the burden of my heart rolled away,
It was there by faith I received my sight...”

That refrain was written in 1885 at attached to Isaac Watt’s lyrics 178 years after their inception. I grew up singing that song, as did many of you, and every time I read this passage of Scripture it floats back to the surface of my mind. There’s wisdom in that song. There is power in that song. There is truth to that refrain that if we would just return to it and reflect on it we might answer some of the problems our church in our generation is struggling with.

In seminary, and in church in general, we often hear people appeal to the early church. “We should do it like the ‘early church’ did it,” they say with a hopeful voice. “But that’s not how the early church did it!” “Man, I wish we could do it just get back to the early church!” Well, ministers: I’m pretty sure they weren’t talking about the early Corinthian church. Here is a city, rich in history, full of beautiful architecture, people from all over the Mediterranean world, and all the skills, talents, job histories, cultural contexts, and historical alliances and rivalries, and social classes have all converged on this one city. Now I know well meaning Christians who evoke the early church are referring to the congregations and stories reported in the book of Acts (not counting that whole Ananias and Saphira incident, because let’s be honest that got messy). The church, at least the one at Corinth, was riddled with theological problems, rampant sin (especially of the sexual nature), social class divisions, and factions. It is to the last of these we look today.
In the Graeco-Roman world eloquence and education went hand in hand. If you had one, it was generally assumed you had the other. A Ph.D. meant “you sure could talk purty.” And when smooth, poetic words from your mouth it was naturally understood that you also knew what it was you were talking about. Schools taught rhetoric from the get-go, and it wasn’t just a public speaking class in high school. But we all know that eloquence and education can come together, but some have made entire careers out of developing one and not the other. Some brilliant theologians belong at their desks writing, reading, and grading. And some preachers, speakers, and teachers could definitely use a few hours with Drs. Wilhite, Brewer, and Sands.
And this is the culture in which Paul works. He helped to start the church at Corinth, and then he moved along. Now he’s in Ephesus and he’s hearing some crazy stories about these crazy Corinthians and the kinds of things they are getting themselves into. Someone has come along and “built upon the foundation” which Paul had lain only a few years before, and because this teacher, or possibly these teachers, have some sweetness of tongue the Corinthian Christians are lapping it up. Factions have developed around these personalities, and they are attacking one another, planting seeds which steal nutrients from one another and erecting buildings which topple into each other.

God graciously uses a diverse group of people to build up and to edify His church which stands on His foundation, which is His Son.

MOVEMENT ONE (3:5-8)
We all have different roles, but one aim.

Explanation:
“What then is Apollos? What is Paul?” Notice here that your text says “what” – not “who.” Which is strange, since Paul and Apollos are people, right? But Paul has no interest in comparing and contrasting and weighing the strengths and the benefits of Apollos versus Paul. See they’re different. Sure, they’re both Jews. But Paul is a Palestinian, and Apollos an Alexandrian, and he’s got some Alexandrian training. Acts tells us that he was “a Jew... a native of Alexandria, a learned or eloquent man... capable or powerful in the Scriptures” and that he had been “instructed in the way of the Lord and enthusiastic in the spirit he came and teaching accurately about the Lord, knowing only the baptism of John.” He was then further trained by Priscilla and Aquila at Ephesus, where Paul is now. And yet for some reason Paul, who could attack Apollos’ background, and we might expect him to, has chosen to forgo that. Rather than comparing the “who’s”, he compares the “what’s”. And what does he answer? “Servants [διακονοι] through whom you believed as the Lord assigned to each.” Rather than going against Apollos, rather than saying “this is my faction: we win” Paul is saying “we can’t have factions because we’re both servants!”
“I planted, Apollos watered. But GOD gave the growth. So neither who plants nor he who waters are anything, but only GOD, who gives the growth. He who plants and he who waters are one, and each will receive his wage according to his labor.” Notice this about the roles which Paul has just mentioned: the planter and the waterer share the same aim, they have the same goal, the work toward the same end, but it’s GOD who gives the growth. Notice that if Paul or Apollos were the giver of the growth, then whoever could give the most growth is most to be revered. In this way, Paul almost seems to say, “I did my task; Apollos did his task. But the glory is God’s! Because we’re just there – He wrought it!”

Lived Experience:
Whether we are on a church staff planning and guiding the path the body will take to spread the Gospel or simply teaching on Sunday morning, we understand gifts and roles. If you were to take a Bible study leader from a senior adult class, and take one from the children’s program, and swap their positions but not their methods or their lessons for the day you might get some phone calls. The senior citizens would find it rather difficult to “Jump, stomp, shout, and spin” like the grade school kids. Likewise if you spent an hour or so calmly but loudly discussing the passing on of the “wisdom of your age” to the next generation or how to deal with the death of everyone you’ve known and loved since your childhood you would have some confused or depressed children when mom or dad arrived to draw them out of “kid’s praise.”

Application:
The leaders of kids and senior adults have the same aim: teaching the people. They have different roles, though, suited to different needs. The elderly are often tasked with grounding the church in what it has historically been, and the young are often tasked with ensuring that they continue to spread the Word of God and ensure that it is spread in a relevant fashion. Neither is better or more important than the other. Just because you don’t share the same gifts or talents as your peers, as the people you went out with Saturday or have lunch with on Sunday, that doesn’t mean you are less well equipped to accomplish the work to which God has called you: it simply means you are equally equipped to accomplish the different tasks. ***And perhaps Saturday dinner or Sunday lunch can be better spent sharing with one another the specific vantage points you have for watching the work of God in the place to which you are called.*** Each year we send some to Africa, some to China, and some to Kentucky, and yet we don’t judge between the men and women who go to different places. The roles change, but the aim, the glory of God, remains the same.

Transitional Sentence:
Sometimes different roles are mistaken for different foundations, and we start building poorly.

MOVEMENT TWO (3:9)
Whatever your role, you belong to God.

Explanation:
Let’s transition back then to Paul’s metaphor in verse 9: the field and the building. Paul is rather specific here in his verbiage. There are other words for field and there are other words for building. The words that Paul specifically chose refer to a field that is being cultivated, to a building that’s more like an ongoing construction sight.

Lived Experience:
And you don’t plant all the same things in the same fields. Once a friend of mine made us some jalapeños, stuffed with cream cheese and wrapped in bacon and the grilled to what I would call “culinary conversion,” it was that beautiful. But Donny is a professional chef – not a professional gardener, and he’d grown habanero peppers mere feet from the jalapenos. It was a fantastic meal, and it was filled with tears and that sound you make when you are trying to suck air in across your tongue because blowing air out just wont cut it. In the same way, when we design buildings we don’t design a military barracks with the same accommodations as a daycare. We don’t build restaurants like airports.

Explanation:
Many translations read something like “For we are God’s coworkers [or fellow workers], you are God’s field, God’s building.” In English and out of context this is can be misleading. A literal, word for word translation with emphasis might read “GOD’s are we co-workers, GOD’s field, GOD’s building are you.” “Co-workers” does NOT mean that we work alongside God. In fact, that might be heresy. Take Acts 17:25: “Nor is he [God] served by human hands, as though he needed anything...” No, the co-workers are Paul and Apollos, and they are one, as in verse 8, and they BELONG to God. So too the field and the building. The syntax, or order of words, is significant here: the possessor, GOD, is mentioned FIRST three times in a row, despite the fact that it is unnatural.

Application
Whoa to we who forget who’s we are! When we forget who it is that brings the growth, who it is that owns the men and women who minister in the church, and who it is that owns the field, the building, we start to break up, to wander around, and to look into ourselves rather than up to our God!

Transitional Sentence:
Paul now leaves the agricultural metaphor behind and pursues the construction metaphor.

MOVEMENT THREE (3:10-12)
The Foundation, which is Jesus Christ, is lain already, and no other can stand in His place.

Explanation:
“According to the grace of God given to me, like a skilled master builder I laid a foundation, and someone else is building upon it.” Do you remember what I said about Corinth and the architecture there? It was once known for amazing buildings, and the people there certainly understood about the “skilled master builder,” the construction foreman. He was responsible for the integrity of the building, and was liable if he did not do it perfectly. Great care was taken by those master builders, since causing a death from a collapse could cost them their lives!
“And no one can lay a foundation other than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ.”

Lived Experience:
Most of us have heard what a foundation means to a house. Anything in a home can be rebuilt, torn out, put in, remodeled, whatever. Everything is fluid and can be repaired with a little bit if duck tape. In a car, if the chassis is bent the car is pretty much done. In a house, when the foundation cracks, so does everything else that stands upon it.

Application:
Often we find our loyalties misplaced and our times and fortunes misplaced, we are caught up like the Corinthians chasing peripheral issues upon which to build... Not that these issues are unimportant. The “doctrines of grace.” Spiritual gifts. Women as head pastors? All are valid issues, valid discussions, important, heartfelt topics that need to be discussed... as a family.
Do you remember the story of Joshua? When the LORD was questioned, when Israel was considering infidelity, unfaithfulness yet again, what did Joshua say? “Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve. But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.” I don’t know about you, but when I slam into something my car can’t move, I want to be in a Volvo... or a tank. When the storm comes, or when the Day of fire is upon us, I want to have the best foundation, the one that won’t ever crack. I want to be able to sing “On Christ the solid rock I stand!” I want to be able to calmly look to Paul and say, “You were right, man. There really is NO OTHER FOUNDATION on which I can stand.”

Truly, we have different gifts, different skills. Some of you are fantastic preachers, some of you will write theology, some you will teach children what it is to believe. Some of us will go to the mission field, preach our hearts out, and spread the Gospel. You may go out in blaze of glory, or you may be snuffed like a candle in the night.
Some will plant, some will water. Some will spread the Gospel far, and some will be used to root it deep. But it is God who gives the growth, God who gets the glory. And I’m so thankful he uses diverse people like you and like me and there is ONE foundation for all that we do. And we encounter and we build upon rightly that foundation time and again when, and only when, we can be found “at the cross, at the cross where [we] first saw the light.

Amen.

Not on bread alone...

2009-04-26T22:06:00.001-07:00

I'm back in Waco (sigh?) and I need to get to bed, mostly so I can be ready for work tomorrow. But before I do I have a need to write somethings down about my weekend. Not really coherent thoughts, exactly, but a brief and editable journal of what this weekend held.

PLAY BY PLAY
I wanted to stay home, maybe play some video games (which I do about once every six months for about a day) and just chill. Me and Park Dog could have spent the weekend just hanging out in Waco recovering from the weeks that have passed and preparing for those soon to come. Instead, we spent the weekend running around all over the place. And just when I think I know what's best for me, God shows me better...

Friday night I went to Common Grounds on my way out of town, intending to stop by for a few and chat with friends on my way out. I ended up staying for a couple of hours, enjoying myself, listening to Charlie Hall, laughing (a lot), and talking with those I don't see regularly. Surprise blessing number one.

Saturday I played with my sister and her friends after a nice long more than 6 hour sleep... And that night I went to a friend's house and enjoyed wine and cheese for her birthday. Now, you may not know me, but wine and cheese is... well, lets just say its just one step below communion on my list of favorite meals. And I really had two options: get in a hot tub with a myriad of attractive women and pretty much ignore any covenant I might have made, OR I could drive back to Waco with Park Dog. I don't know if you know this, but Waco kind of sucks. And yet the Spirit spoke. It reminded me of who I am, who's I am, and what I am. So in to my car I climbed for the trek "home." Before PD was fully settled, before my backside hit the seat, I was FILLED with praise. I'd made a good decision because God refuses to give up on me, bringing closer to completion that work which he began. I just could not stop thinking about how much the "me" in me wanted to back there, flirting away, trying to prove something to myself and to others - trying to prove to God that if He wont meet me needs, I will. And yet HE grabbed hold and reminded me of all that I desire so much more fully than that.

As I'm driving home I desire to stop in Belton and spend the night, allowing me to go to Vista the next day. I'd had my heart set on Vista all weekend, and I was realizing there was no way I could go, at least not without driving all the way to Waco, dropping PD off, and returning to Belton, and then heading home after church to get back and let her out. Asa, however, went out of his way to find a place for her to stay the night so that I could stay in Belton... and it was GOOD. He and I got to talk until the early hours of the morning. It has been SO LONG since Ace and I got quality time, and he let me pour out on him what was going on in my head and my heart and he gave quality feedback too. (Ace, should you happen to read this, I cannot express my thanks for that, as it allowed so much more to happen to me.)

Sunday I woke up and headed off to church. I love the Vista. I love their mission, their people, their understanding of worship. That church is about as home for me as it gets at this point. Dave preached straight from the text. Imagine that: a preacher who relies on the Bible to preach and to change lives... weird. Afterwards we went to lunch, and I got to spend quality time with old friends. And then I got to spend time talking with one guy I'd met the night before and two people I'd never met at all, "and behold, it was exceedingly good." The guy at lunch was the same I'd met the night before, and he was generous enough to offer PD a place to stay, and actually took care of her most of the day, allowing me to experience so many more blessings I wasn't even looking for.

This afternoon I got to have a discussion, to hear the thoughts and to challenge and be challenged by the responses of people I value greatly. The topic was actually a passage we'd recently covered in Scriptures 4, and it reminded me with ever phrase we uttered that I don't hate seminary, but only realize it when I get to practice what I'm learning here.

Then we met a wonderful lady who needed some groceries. She gardens, she paints, and she cares more about the needs of others than she does her own. Remember that woman who gives a mite, and yet because she gives out of her poverty she has given so much more than any around her? Yeah, well I met her. I pray to God, genuinely, that you do too. We talked with her, and she smiled. Oh man did this lady smile when she saw Dennis and he simply took the time to care and to talk with her. Before we left we prayed with her. She cried, and it was the only kind of tears a guy can stand. You know, those tears that are there for all the right reasons. See we brought her groceries, we listened to her, we cared about her, we prayed for her, and we thanked God for her - we got to DO the Gospel for her. Sometimes I forget how abstract the concept of missions feels when I don't do it for so long. Yet all it takes is watching the love of Jesus wring one smile or one tear to remind me.

Then I got to talk some more with the guy from lunch and another student seeking a degree in Christian Ministry... and before I left, I got to pray for them. They were solid guys, with powerful convictions, and amazing stories of their experience with God so far and their zeal for whatever future He has for them. That's the faith of a child Christ calls for: a faith that says "I don't know what's next, but I know my Daddy is big enough and knows enough to accept that come what may He is not surprised and He's been preparing me for this task for a long while." (I realize children don't talk like that... yet.)

And again I wasn't all the way in the seat of my car when praise filled my soul like air my lungs. It was deep, and it was beyond my power to call it up. My God is big. He changes hearts. He makes a difference.

LESSONS LEARNED
*Sometimes I forget that God knows exactly what He's doing and exactly what I need. He doesn't ask for my opinion because He doesn't need my counsel.

*God puts different people, old and new, in my path when I need them most and when they need me.

-Another friend was going through almost the same emotional and spiritual roller coast I was at the same time. Now we get to rejoice together, and it answered some questions I had about next year too.

-God is moving. I don't know exactly what He's up to, but I know that I want to be part of it no matter what.

-I want to do something overseas as soon as possible. I've never been on an overseas mission trip, and I believe this to be the greatest lacking in my spiritual formation ever. Prepare yourselves for support letters.

-I desire to be in a committed relationship which is moving towards marriage. This is not a new lesson at all. This will come as a shock to MANY who never expected this to come for me. What I did learn this weekend was that God has not abandoned this in my life. Just when I think I'm never going to meet that woman, I meet or hang out with at least 3 women this weekend who fit my two greatest criteria for a wife:
She's gotta love Jesus more than anything in this whole freakin' world, and
She's gotta make me laugh A LOT, and I've gotta make her laugh too.
Tall order, but He's not running out of Sovereignty or Grace any time soon. And I don't have to usurp that authority to get what I think I need: He's God and He's got me, and that's more than enough for me.

The bottom line: My Sovereign God is GOOD, He loves me, and nothing gets past Him or takes Him by surprise. He's constantly ready, always aware, and always working out his plan in my life and in the world. More simply, "My God is so big and so mighty, there's nothing that He cannot do." (Thank you, Veggie Tales)

"I love the LORD, because he has heard
my voice and my pleas for mercy.
Because he inclined his ear to me,
therefore I will call on him as long as I live." Psalm 116:1-2

"Χριστός Ανέστη!" "Αληθώς Ανέστη!" (Christos Anesti! Aleithos Anesti!)

2009-04-12T11:12:00.000-07:00

"Χριστός Ανέστη!" (Christos Anesti!)
"Αληθώς Ανέστη!" (Aleithos Anesti!)

"Christ is risen!"
"Truly, He is risen!"

This is sometimes called the Paschal Greeting, and you can wikipedia or orthodoxwiki it as such. It is the essence of the event which we commemorate today. Yesterday I wrote a post with the intent of explaining how one disciple might have felt between the crucifixion and the announcement of the resurrection. Today I write as he might have felt after, as I feel now. I write as a 21st century Christian.

Jesus, Paul, and others in the Christ's corporeal day read the Old Testament (the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings) not as one who was living those times, but as one looking back on those times in light of the Cross. This is how I recommend we read them as well. Karl Barth described it like this: before Christ, all history looked forward to the Cross; after Christ all of history looks back on the Cross. John Piper says that the incarnation (Christmas) is less important than the resurrection (Easter), since Christmas is an event in preparation for Easter.* (The Eastern Church would disagree, and so would I, but it's a semantic difference for the most part.) You and I can read the New Testament and the Old Testament in light of the Work of Christ in Bodily Form, and also in light of our experience of God (the existential/postmodern hermeneutic). Which brings me out of my intro into the beginning, which was the end... in a sense. In fact, the reason I ended the post with it yesterday is just that: it SEEMED like the end, but in light of what followed we KNOW it to be only the beginning.

___________________________________

"Then Jesus, calling out with a loud voice, said, 'Father, into your hands I commit my spirit!' And having said this he breathed his last."

"καὶ φωνήσας φωνῇ μεγάλῃ ὁ ᾿Ιησοῦς εἶπε· πάτερ, εἰς χεῖράς σου παρατίθεμαι τὸ πνεῦμά μου· καὶ ταῦτα εἰπὼν ἐξέπνευσεν"

Since I'm not translating the entire Bible to be read on a regular basis, I'm allowed to translate this as roughly and literally as I like. "And speaking / sounding / voicing with a great / loud speech / sound / voice, Jesus said 'Father, into the hands of Yours I commit / deposit / entrust the spirit of me.' And this being said, he breathed out."

At face value, this sounds like a cry of dereliction, or at the least like he cried out in desperation and resigned himself finally to die. One Mexican revolutionary, Zapata, said "prefiero morir de pie, que vivir de rodillas," or "I would prefer to die on my feet than [continue] to live on my knees." Another man said "Don't tell them it ended this way: tell them I said something different." Either way, death puts life into perspective. And when life is in short supply, the words we choose are usually meaningful ones. If Luke recorded this as Jesus last words, he must have seen some value in them. Was it to increase the desperation in the reader? Perhaps. Was that the only reason he chose to record this? I doubt it. Jesus has one last thing to say, and he says it loudly. It's not whispered, and he doesn't tell his disciples "Okay, team: this is what you should say before you bite the arrow..." He voices audibly, greatly in fact, this phrase.

Before we started calling Genesis Genesis, we called it "brsht brh 'lhm," or "By way of beginning God created..." Without titles, you called a book what it was, or what it's first few words were. Its something akin to "You know that song, the Chickitey China song..." For instance, "Eli Eli, lema sebachtani" is a reference to Psalm 22, a prophecy about the Christ. That's another rant for another day, but in the same path as this one. Read Jesus death in Luke 23 and stop at verse 46. His last words point us to that which he did not have time or voice to say, but which he desired us most to see, so now let us read those. Psalms, 31, noticing verse 5.

"In you, O LORD, do I take refuge...
You are my rock and my fortress
and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me...
Into your hand I commit my spirit,
you have redeemed me, O LORD, faithful God.

I hate those who pay regard to worthless idols
but I trust in the Lord.
I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,
because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul,
and you have not delivered me into the hand of my enemy;
you have set my feet in a broad place.

I have become like a broken vessel.
For I hear the whispering of many-- terror on every side--...

But I trust in you, O LORD;
I say, 'You are my God...'

Oh, how abundant is your goodness...
Blessed be the LORD for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me...
I had said in my alarm / haste,
'I am cut off from your sight'...

LOVE THE LORD, ALL YOU HIS SAINTS!
The LORD preserves the faithful...
BE STRONG, and let your heart take courage,
all you who wait for the LORD!"

I could include the entire psalm, then I fear you wont read the text for yourself. So many options available, so many ways to say what He wished to say, and he chose this particular verbiage. Christ, in the most public and obvious place, shouts a reference to a psalm of David. And not just any psalm, he chooses one that screams of the steadfast love, the "hesed" (choke yourself as you say that and you'll likely get it right), of God. This is the OT equivalent of grace.

So what's the point? Jesus wasn't hanging there on the cross going, "Damn... how the heck did I get up here? I deserve better, what with being God and all. Gee, dad, would you pick up the phone (why does he have a cell if He never answers the thing?)?" He instead gives a hint. A hint some may have, and some clearly did not, understand. I wouldn't have gotten it. And yet here we are, this side of the cross, looking back to Christ, who was looking up. All eyes are on Him, and he says "LOOK! THIS is what the steadfast love, the enduring grace, the true covenant, the GOOD NEWS looks like!"

I feel defeat, and I've experienced dark times. The first chapter of the book "Crossing Myself" describes darkness and depression pretty well. The disciples understood darkness. They felt abandonment like never before. And somehow Christ, who was the one who truly experienced the deepest aspects of the very event, "for the JOY set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of God."

"Easter" as a term comes from the general revelation of the NEW LIFE the earth experiences in nature. And God is gracious, he reminds us annually of newness.

Easter for the Christian is different, particularly in impact. We celebrate today that Jesus got up, but not just because of the event, but because of the meaning. "Christ is risen" is more than a declaration of an event that happened 2000 years ago. It is a recollection of the sign, the symbol, the seal, of the STEADFAST LOVE, the GRACE, the GOSPEL of GOD! New Life isn't just about nature flourishing yet again. New life is RESURRECTION, both of the KING and of those who taste, see, and know to which KING they truly belong.

"In the same way we also, when we were children, were enslaved to the elementary principles of the world. But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, "Abba! Father!" So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God." (Gal 4:3-7)

*Sermon entitled, "The Son of Man Must Be Lifted Up" - fantastic exposition of Christ's understanding of the Old Testament as a preview to Himself

A Dark Saturday...

2009-04-11T15:16:00.000-07:00

This Easter holds special meaning for me. Partly because God has stirred my soul, partly because I'm submitting to what work He is doing. (Last year I thought I'd be home by Easter, and instead I had to spend it treating it like every other day.) Yesterday, Friday, I read the story of the crucifixion. Not the whole account, just the part the part about Christ being tried and hung on a tree. I was so frustrated by the cultural norm of wishing people "Happy [holiday]," in this case Good Friday, without ever realizing that its a Holy Day, and that's what makes it Good. So I read the story and I stopped, not allowing myself to continue.

I've spent some of yesterday and today thinking about what today means. We gloss over today. Not many took off of work to observe what today is. Today is dark. In fact, today a storm looms over Cedar Park. There's a chill in the air, water falls intermittently, not sufficient to clean anything, but enough to make dreary the mood of most. Everyone's taking refuge indoors, huddling together, some with family and some with friends, unaware of what's going on, or rather what we commemorate today is going on.

And so today I think what it would have meant to be a disciple that day. "It's dark and dreary today. The sun went black yesterday, and light has some, but somehow it just isn't the same. Jesus died yesterday. He was beaten, he was scourged, he was mocked, and he was crucified. He hung there, barely breathing, between those two thieves or murderers or rebels or whatever they were. They didn't deserve to go the say way He did... But you know what's even worse?" I think as my throat feels scratchy and my voice cracks. "I DID NOT stand with Him! I had the opportunity to go with Him, and I cowered in fear. And maybe it is just as well; maybe he wasn't who he said he was. If he was, though... If He was the Christ, then I'm no better than that thief next to Him! In fact, I'm worse - at least that guy had the guts, the gall, to even in his naked shame defend Jesus to the other, and to beg to join Him, wherever He went!"

"But its over now. He's gone, and I don't know what to do. Some think there's more to come. Some think we were all fooled. Peter's going fishing, and the way he said it sure didn't sound like he was coming back. I don't know what I'll do. I just know I'm confused. Maybe we missed it, you know? What if He meant us to understand something, what if He knew what was coming, as He often did...?" I smile, remembering. "Why couldn't He give us some FINAL hint?! Something to cling to, some hope, even if a false one?! I JUST WANT TO BELIEVE, but all I have to cling to are what words I could hear from my place in the crowd... in the crowd, instead of next to him..."

"Then Jesus, calling out with a loud voice, said, 'Father, into your hands I commit my spirit!' And having said this he breathed his last."

(And like the disciples then, I think we so often miss what Jesus was saying. I'll explain why tomorrow...)

How to Know What Degree a Person is Pursuing Based on the Car They Drive...

2009-03-19T11:28:00.000-07:00

So I've developed a system I use while crossing campus. You see, based on the car someone drives you can usually get a good picture of what level of education they have received. I know what you're thinking: the better the degree, the better the salary, the nicer the car. Well you're wrong... OH SO WRONG!

Undergraduate Student:

Vehicle: Acura - BMW, Mercedes. Domestic models include Corvette's and similar.
Condition: Virtually new, good condition. May have dings from stray runners on the Bear Trail.

Crosswalks / Pedestrians: Does not stop; probably not paying attention, doesn't care, or has a place to be.

Payment: None (at least for student)

Graduate Student:

Vehicle: Kia, Ford - Honda, Toyota
Condition: Moderate. May have dings from now aging Grad Student returning from Bear Trail, unable to stand on his or her own power.

Crosswalks / Pedestrians: Does not stop; disgustingly sleep deprived, only vaguely aware of surroundings / state of consciousness.

Payment: Small - Moderate, depending on marital status and time between Undergraduate and Graduate pursuits.

Ph.D or D.Min Candidate:

Vehicle: Huffy (bicycle) - Kia, Hyundai. Probably made in Taiwan.
Condition: It's not pretty. Probably has dings from everywhere, including childs' seats and skulls.

Crosswalks / Pedestrians: Does not stop; likely no longer has functioning brakes / knees, feet / aging brain.

Payment: None. They may get bills, but they aren't making payments :-)

Apostrophe to Sarah Pierpont by Jonathan Edwards [c. 1723]

2009-02-12T08:49:00.000-08:00

(Why say again what has already been said better than I could articulate it myself?)

They say there is a young lady in [New Haven] who is beloved of that almighty Being, who made and rules the world, and that there are certain seasons in which this great Being, in some way or other invisible, comes to her and fills her mind with exceeding sweet delight, and that she hardly cares for anything, except to meditate on him--that she expects after a while to be received up where he is, to be raised up out of the world and caught up into heaven; being assured that he loves her too well to let her remain at a distance from him always. There she is to dwell with him, and to be ravished with his love and delight forever. Therefore, if you present all the world before her, with the richest of its treasures, she disregards it and cares not for it, and is unmindful of any pain or affliction. She has a strange sweetness in her mind, and singular purity in her affections; is most just and conscientious in all her actions; and you could not persuade her to do anything wrong or sinful, if you would give her all the world, lest she should offend this great Being. She is of a wonderful sweetness, calmness and universal benevolence of mind; especially after those seasons in which this great God has manifested himself to her mind. She will sometimes go about from place to place, singing sweetly; and seems to be always full of joy and pleasure; and no one knows for what. She loves to be alone, and to wander in the fields and on the mountains, and seems to have someone invisible always conversing with her.

(Seriously, is anyone NOT in love with Sarah at this point?)

What is Worship?

2008-12-01T16:19:00.000-08:00

This is the essay I wrote for Christian Worship at Truett, which was taught by Dr. Terry York. If you open a Southern Baptist hymnal and look towards the end you will find an index of the contributing authors. You will find his name in that list.

My Theology of Worship

When I was in high school my church decided it was time to hire a new, more experienced, full time youth minister. They gathered a panel of “experts” to aide in the interview process: parents of youth, a few teens, some singles. Aside from the pastoral staff in the interviews, few if any in the room had any experience in youth ministry other than the one we were all currently involved it, and even fewer had any training. As tense as that was, I can only imagine how much more it must been when a person comes to interview for the positions of lead pastor or worship pastor (verbiage varies). When people ask “What is worship?” they usually want an abbreviated answer. At this point, I doubt I could give one.

Worship loosely defined

Worship is a declaration of the worth of God. This dynamic flows in many directions. The believer’s task of showing the value of God to them for onlookers is worship. So too is the task of showing God, the one being worshiped.

But worship is more than a “declaration,” is it not? Declaration can carry a connotation of intellectual assent to various propositions about some topic, in this case God. But worship ought to be more than an intellectual endeavor. It is an experience – one which overflows from the recognition of the work of God in the heart, mind, and life of the believer. It should not be dependant upon circumstances, but on the revelation of the Divine in any circumstance. One of songs which I cannot help but sing when things fail to follow the plan I have carefully outlined for them starts like this: “Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful / Where Your streams of abundance flow / Blessed be Your name / And blessed be Your name when I'm found in the desert place / Though I walk through the wilderness / Blessed be Your name.” And it usually closes with “You give and take away / You give and take away / My heart will choose to say / Lord, blessed be Your name.”

“Worship is the fuel for mission’s flame”

As long as I am borrowing from other Christian’s hearts put into print, I might as well point to this idea which has become central to my idea of worship: “worship is the fuel for mission’s flame.” That is, the overflow of worship is missions. Overflow here can come in two senses. First, when a person knows and declares or experiences the glory of God they will naturally share the gospel with others. Second, that when a persons heart is so filled with the worth of God it will, like a cup that is filled beyond its capacity to contain the substance within it, pour out over the edges and touch and eventually soak everything with which it comes into contact.

This statement also reflects another way in which worship fuels missions: sometimes the act of or response to worship is missions. When a person is called to Africa, or China, or Australia, or New Orleans, or Delaware, or to the impoverished in Waco or Austin they are made able to do the things which missions requires because though they were sent[1] by the voice of God, they are enabled and encouraged by their knowledge and experience of the worth of God (which is His glory).

And still another aspect can be seen from this idea. That is, that “missions exist because worship does not.” When I try a really great wine, or discover a new game, or make a new friend, or hear some hilarious joke or anecdote, or enroll in some class, or experience anything that transcends the basic, mundane, “day to day” I find a desire to share that flavor, to invite others to that game, to introduce that friend at large, to tell that joke, or to tell others how “ashamed” I am to be so excited about a class, etc. So too it is with missions then, for when a believer recognizes the glorious worth of God: we want others to share in the goodness of that experience alongside us: we desire others to know and experience our joy and to declare the goodness of it alongside us for whoever the audience may be. In the case of worship and missions, that audience is the God who initiates it and the people He seeks to declare His love to.

Worship is an expression

C. S. Lewis wrote of the Psalms that before he came to faith that they appeared to him as an old woman begging for praise. Later, after he began to believe, he came to recognize this truth: that the fulfillment of joy is the expression of it. Lovers do not (or at least should not) declare their love for one another out of duty, but because the expression of that joy in one another is the fulfillment of it. Just as in missions worship is expressed, so in all of the Christian life, what we do is an expression, whether positive or negative, or how we evaluate the worth of God. The movie Batman Begins raised an interesting question for a friend of mine, which he asked many of us: “Is it who you are underneath, or what you do that matters?” The question is sophistry; it sounds like a wise endeavor on the surface, but fails miserably once the surface is scratched and the core is revealed. They are effectually the same thing. A physical heart is only so useful as it pumps, a brain so useful as it accomplishes its complex functions, a lung so useful as its expansion, contraction, and absorption. If it ceases to function is it still a heart, a brain, a lung? In essence, yes. But in the accidental properties which make it distinct and valuable it fails to be of use. All that to say this: a Christian who fails to worship by deed, which includes expression in many respects, may retain the title of Christian, but fails to be useful or effective. In this sense, I think, do Paul and James dialogue and come to agreement. “Faith without works is dead”[2] (James 2:26, see also 2:18, 20).

Worship understood as an event

I have made it thus far into the question without referring to worship as or encapsulating worship into a single event held generally on a Sunday morning. This is intentional and crucial to my understanding and theology of worship as a Christian concept. I do not, however, deny the connection of worship as a whole with a worship service. I simply do not see them as a 1-to-1 comparison. The format and planning of a worship service should inform, influence, and facilitate worship. It should also be informed by worship. As discussed significantly in my first semester at Truett, the planning of a worship service is intensely complex and possibly political. And with good reason too, for ever single aspect of that service affects worship itself. There is a Latin maxim which captures this idea well: lex orandi, lex credendi.[3] It loosely means “the law of worship is the law of belief.” Theology and worship are affected not only by what you include in a service, but also by what you exclude. And when you do include something, the manner in which you do it is extremely important.

Let me make this more concrete. The planners of a worship service need to decide whether or not to celebrate the Eucharist the following Sunday. If they do not include it, they deemphasize its importance in Christian worship and make a statement about its efficacy. If they do include, they must realize that ritual carries connotations of Roman Catholic Sacramentalism and a doctrine of Transubstantiation which has been severely misunderstood by the gross majority of Americans for man years. It also connotes to many young people of the ideas of “dead ritual” and “stale faith.” Getting beyond this is a struggle in itself, but now they must decide what to call the event. Is it the Eucharist? Communion? Lord’s Supper? The Eucharist carries those Roman Catholic ideas most strongly, but the Greek ευχαριστω literally means “I give thanks; Communion emphasizes coming together as a body; Lord’s Supper terminology raises ideas about a meal together, as well as specific recollection about the Passion Narrative. All are beneficial in their time and place. So after placing all the names in a hat and getting the eldest of the elders to pick one (with his left hand, without looking, on a Thursday afternoon, etc.), we have to decide just how we are going to perform the non-sacramental sacraments. What liturgy do we use: that of the Gospels, or of Paul? How should it be served: separate elements? intinction?[4] Who is going to hand it out? If it is the pastor, does that elevate him too highly? Can men and women both serve in this capacity? Is it a “come and get it” buffet, where we deemphasize the pastor but also deemphasize the unity found in common and mutual submission to a single authority who answers to the body as a whole? And what will we serve? Saltines or club crackers or Hawaiian bred? Welch’s grape juice or Yellow Tail Merlot or a basic California red, or perhaps the actual blood of a recently slaughtered lamb?[5] Am I being facetious? Absolutely, but “a lot of truth has been said in jest.”

The inclusive / exclusive language debate is also a hot one. A few days ago I was watching a Saturday Night Live sketch in which a guest preacher, played by Ashton Kutcher, has geared up to preach a sermon at an all African-American[6] church. He opens with, “I’d like to start by reading you some Scripture tonight. ‘Now Abraham had two children, one by his wife and another by a slave—“ at which point the regular preacher immediately cuts him off, warning him, “Now that just ain’t gonna work in a black church!” Why bring that up? Because it points out issues that are alive and “well” in the Free Church tradition today. Jesus may “love all the little children of the world: red and yellow, black and white,” but many Asian and Native American families do not hear this song the same way a middle-class white suburbanite might.

On a doctrinal front, those who speak or sing from the pulpit, stage, or front of the cafeteria must live in the dynamic tension of preaching what they believe to be the truth without alienating those whose essential doctrine is sound, but who may disagree on more minute issues. One church might quote John Piper or Jonathan Edwards extensively and so alienate the informed Arminians and Open Theists in the room, while another church might quote Foster, Boyd, or Yancey so many times that now the staunchest of Calvinists and Arminians band together (for the first time in a while) to rid the community of the heretics.

The influence of the class on my understanding of worship planning

Probably the most beneficial part of the class, for me, was the worship planning project. Being put into groups of people from various backgrounds and asked to put together a service for a theoretical church of which we all had different conceptions was difficult, to say the least. There was almost a sense of bureaucracy involved, constantly needing approval on various drafts on what seem to be the most minute of issues, although they clearly matter to someone, if only a small contingent.

As for the lectures, three things have stuck with me all semester and continue to influence the way I think about worship. First, Dr. York gave a scenario of a very real, potentially painful event. One family in the church just had a child born to them, while another lost a child that same week. Perhaps they both had the same medical complication. How do you both celebrate with the one and grieve with the other in the context of a community which cannot be divided like assets in a divorce?

Second is the idea of the cycle in at least four parts: Entrance, word, table, sending out.[7] As per John Wesley and countless theologians throughout the ages, there is something valuable to be said for methods, rituals, and processes which help the individual Christian by serving as a structured framework on which to stretch the canvas which bears the mural of their experience.

Last but not least is the idea of “dynamic tensions.” It has been a prevailing thought in my life for the last few years that hard and fast answers don’t come often in the Christian life. Most of the Christian life, in fact, is meant to be lived “in the tension,” between two extremes. This is beneficial, though. Rules and regulations allow a unit to move independent of a central authority and function effectively, as in the Marine Corps. I don’t need a General or Sergeant Major to tell me when to get my Marines chow or to call a “cease fire” on the range. I am an NCO and I know the rules. Living “in the tension,” though, requires us to rely constantly on the guidance of the Holy Spirit, on prayer, on Scripture, and on the wisdom and experience of the community of faith.

[1] Greek: μισσεω, “I send.”

[2] A good understanding here might exchange the word “dead” for “barren.”

[3] This is actually an abbreviated version of the maxim “egem credendi lex statuat supplicandi,” popularized by St. Prosper of Acquitaine

[4] This is the practice of dipping of the bread into the wine and consuming the elements together.

[5] That eldest elder is going to have a busy week.

[6] Even here inclusive language is an issue.

[7] I have here changed the vocabulary to suit my understanding, but the thought is the same.

10 November 1775 - 2008

2008-11-10T21:16:00.000-08:00

A running cadence goes like this:

"Back in 1775,
My Marine Corps came a-live.

First there came the color GREEN,
To show the world that we mean.

Then there came the color BLUE,
to show the world that we are true.

Next there came the color GOLD,
to show the world that we are bold.

Last there came the color RED,
to show the world the blood we'd shed."

ANY Marine can tell you about when are where the Corps was born: November 10, 1775 at Tun Tavern in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The circumstances and events are muddled by the combination of facts and legends, as is the history of the Corps as a whole. We love the legends, and we are proud of our history.

I didn't do anything spectacular when I was deployed. The things I did do which I take great joy and pride in are simple: I helped provide fuel for a water treatment facility on the Euphrates which cleans water for civilians and military alike, I helped send out Med-Evac Blackhawks which treated U.S. and Iraqi military and civilians, and I stood up for my peers and subordinates (few as they were).

And a year to the date later, I can still tell you what I did on the Marine Corps' Birthday in 2007, because its a matter of public record at this point. I was with a couple of guys from California who I would otherwise have probably never met, tired and hungry and thirsty and BORED. We were trying to find some kind of makeshift cover between berms with 150,000 gallons of jet fuel right next to us. We were there because there were 75-100 fighting aged Iraqi males not far away in a couple of houses considering whether or not an attack was worth it.

Rather than letting them attack and crushing them, which we were prepared to do, a command decision was made to send aircraft constantly overhead as a show of force. It was our way of saying "Trust us, we'd rather NOT kill anyone, but we will if we have to, and we can... Make no mistake, we're good at this."

Marines are taught from boot camp on that we're supposed to be good at only a few things: "Kickin' ass and looking good." "We kill shit, break shit, and lose shit. It's what we do." "You put a Marine in a locked room with two bowling balls, he'll break one and lose the other. Wheres it go? Hell nobody knows."

And yet in this situation we did something better. This is the first war in which Marines have EVER fired warning shots. The Corps is changing, modernizing, growing. We're preserving the lives of others at the often great expense of our own. This doesn't just apply to Marines, but to all the U.S. servicemen. As the rules change, and the enemies change, and we continue to struggle with these changes, one thing is still true:

Reagan said, in the year I was born, that "some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference. The Marines don't have that problem." So many have made HUGE sacrifices, and mine don't even rate discussion. So today, and tomorrow, and not just on holidays, please, for your sake and for the sake of nation which you claimed to be so passionate about after 9/11 and during this election season, don't forget it, and don't take it for granted.

"Good people sleep peacefully at night because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."

http://www.3rdmarines.net/Marine_Quotes.htm

On my calling... (poem)

2008-10-28T11:37:00.000-07:00

Today as I listened to a man speak on his ministry, his having started preaching as a teen, his background in the church, and his mentor, E.K. Bailey I started thinking, and thinking turned to writing, and yet again it didn't come out as prose. So here's what I have, raw and unedited.

On hard times... (poem)

2008-10-20T19:18:00.000-07:00

Can’t slow my mind down,
Can’t speed the time up
To see “it” fly
Or see “it” fall

Can’t cry it out,
‘cause I’ve shit to do
Can’t drop the thoughts
‘cause it’s not just this

It’s everything big
Seen in something small
It’s everything
And no-thing at all.

Looking forward
Is harder than looking back.
Looking in the mirror
Is even worse than that.

I don’t have the answers
For you or me.
I don’t have the truth
For me or you.

My mind,
It wanders.
My heart it
Seeks the old refrain

“Prone to wander,
Lord I feel it.
Prone to leave
The God I love.

Take my heart Lord,
Take and seal it.
Seal it for Thy
Courts above.”

Praying, scratching
Kneeling, crawling.
Begging, clinging
Prostrate, sprawling.

Rain falls
Tears flow.
My only Comfort,
The God I KNOW.

The Goodness of God I Found While Taking Out The Trash...

2008-09-14T20:43:00.001-07:00

So I was thinking about taking some time out tonight... You know, just a few minutes to read, and to pray, and really largely to listen, because I've really been neglecting that aspect of prayer lately, and I'm asking some pretty big questions. And before I begin, I just needed to take out my trash. As I walked past the door, my neighbor's trash is outside. We have this trash collection service twice a week where we just set it outside and they take care of it. So I have my two Wal-Mart sacks (which I'm ashamed to have) and a trash bag from my neighbor, and I walk on over to the trash. There are two guys unloading a truck FULL of trash.

"Man, we even came late tonight to give you guys a little extra time!" (Guy in truck)
"Oh no, I had this in my apartment. I've never been pampered before, and I don't think I can start now." (Me)
"Well, I do get paid to pamper you guys.... You in the corps..."

Conversation ensues, Mark is from Houston, Andrew is from Indiana. Mark went to Baylor and Andrew is a graduate student in sociology. We had a great conversation about world missions, social justice, etc. Mark works for "EveryTribeImports.org" The company raises funds through the use of Fair Trade items from around the world. If you don't know what Fair Trade is, you NEED to look it up... hence the reason I'm ashamed to have my Wal-Mart bags sometimes.

This note exists for two reasons:

1.) Because some of you know how hard it has been for me to connect to people here. I miss Belton sometimes because it was so much easier to get to know new people there just because of the atmosphere there. And here, as I begin to pray and listen to God about such things, He shows me His faithfulness by introducing me to two new people at the dumpster for my apartment complex. (In fact, everytime I complain about my rent God shows me why He put me here instead of somewhere else...)

2.) To plug EveryTribeImports.org AND TenThousandVillages AND Mission Waco's Coffee House, because each of them sells Fair Trade items. If every one of us bought every Christmas gift this year at a fair wage to the artisan who made it, imagine the impact we would have. Think the problem of international poverty is too big for you to make an impact? Well it's not. This is your chance. One life at a time, right? Can you buy as much stuff for your family in friends if you're paying a fair price to the laborer? Nope. Plain and simple economics: exploiting the worker lowers the price to the consumer. But you CAN give them something more valuable than more stuff can ever be to a person who has too much already: you can give them an example to follow.

p.s.

I'm not railing against Wal-Mart OR frugal spending. If saving money on some of your groceries allows you to support a Compassion International student, etc., then please continue to do so. And if you can buy a toy for a child in a tight financial spot from a chain store, then PLEASE do. Mission Waco has a great toy-store program that promotes dignity and social responsiblity... But whenever possible, don't consume "meat" you know has been sacrificed to the idol of the Almight Dollar...

Be About What You’re About

2008-01-16T04:57:00.000-08:00

I don’t want to be about what I’m not about anymore. That is, I don’t want to be about what I’m against. I don’t want the defining factors of who I am to be based on what I oppose, avoid, abstain from, resist, or battle with. When someone ask about me, I don’t want them to say something like, “Oh Kunz? He’s doesn’t like lewd conversation, drunkenness, drugs (even pot), gossip, pornography… or fornication, or idolatry, or homosexuality, or stealing, or coveting… or swindling (1 Cor 6.9-11).”

I want to live in such a way that the compelled answer would be more like, “Oh Kunz? He’s always preaching about something God is teaching him, he enjoys the gifts of God in a responsible manner, he speaks well of others whether they’re or present or not (or he doesn’t speak about them at all). He’s dedicated to purity and to the worship of His God. He gives credit where it is due and is fair in all his dealings.”

I want to be:

Obsessed with God, not Disgusted with Satan,

Dedicated, not Abstinent,

Seasoned with salt, not Silent…

Can you see where I’m going with this? Certainly, Paul railed against all of those evil things listed above. He opposed many things, and so do I… so do all of us, I should thing and hope. But that is NOT what Paul is remembered for, at least not in my mind. I don’t remember him because he listed sins, I remember him because he said things like:

“For I am not ashamed of the Gospel, for it is the Power of God for salvation to everyone who believes…” in the midst of a society which would kill him for being so unashamed.

And things like:

“And I, when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified.”

And:

“Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then am I strong.”

And Paul didn’t say these things because he was afraid of a little conflict. This is the guy who was beaten, stoned, kicked out, thrown out, bled out and snuffed out (or so the Romans thought). He declared people anathema, excommunicated and without hope of salvation. He was not really once to mince words. But he wasn’t against these things to be against these things. He wasn’t about what he wasn’t about, he was ALL about the Cross of Christ and being all about that Cross naturally put him in opposition to these things. He wasn’t trying to defeat these sins, these evil things. He was trying to show the people of the world the ONE chance they had to meet Him Who is Already Victorious Over All Such Things! He was all about introducing them to the Great Mediator.

Paul, then, walked the same road as Jesus Christ Himself. Because Jesus preached about sin. But it wasn’t so that He could defeat those sins. Look at the Sermon on the Mount. Blessed are those who are hungry, those who thirst… Blessed are the meek… Blessed are the mourners… These are the things He was about: the righteousness that came to the hungry, the inheritance of the followers of God, the comfort that comes to the mourners.

You might say “But in that same sermon, did not Christ talk more about sin than those macarisms?” Yes, He did. But Christ wasn’t describing sin in an accusatory manner.

“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder…’ But I say to you whoever is angry with his brother… whoever calls his brother ‘raca!’ [will also be guilty of murder].”

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

Christ wasn’t calling them out for the sake of calling them out; He wasn’t pointing fingers to say “you’re a sinner, you’re a worse sinner, and ‘Frank, I know what you did. But I can’t repeat it, because I’m Jesus. There is no hope, that is all,’ go on about your way and perish like the hounds of hell you are, be trampled like the ‘brood of vipers’ you’ve become.”

He told them what SIN is so that they could know that they were SINNERS instead of holding themselves up against simpler, lower standards outlined by the letter of the Law instead of the (Holy) Spirit of the Law! Christ didn’t come because he was AGAINST SIN! He came, he was incarnated, he forsook all the prestige of the heavenly throne and became a man, was born of the womb, and was crucified like a common thief NOT because He was against sin: He did it because he was FOR SINNERS and FOR THE GLORY OF GOD MOST HIGH!!!

How much more then, should a man who is UNRIGHTEOUS stop being about sin discovery and exposition (externally) and sin management (internally) and start being about the same thing as Christ the Lord, the King of Kings, who saw the Ministry to Sinners, the Salvation of the Saints and the Incarnational Explication of the Character and Love of I AM?! Because if we only seek to cut out sin but we never fill it with something else, all we’ve done is cast the demons we can easily recognize from the house and left it derelict for the invasion of 7 times as many, those which we cannot recognize. Paul tells the people in Ephesus “Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. (Eph 4:28).”

We as Christians cannot be about what we’re not about, what we’re against. We MUST be about what we are FOR. I’m not talking about a simple transition in speech, that we would sound more positive and thereby be more attractive. I’m talking about ceasing to steal from the Glory of God and doing that “honest work” that we may have something to “share with ANYONE IN NEED.” Could you possibly come up with a better definition of Evangelism?!

NOTE: I find it ironic that in some sense, this note is about much the same thing as my first entry, the one about Pannikin. Because God has given me amazing things to be about, amazing people to be about, that make it unnecessary for me to focus obsessively on what I am against.

Biblical Philosophy and Marital Vows

2008-01-06T12:15:00.000-08:00

In college I read a good deal of philosophy. Or at least, I was assigned a great deal of philosophy, and when it didn’t conflict with Ultimate Frisbee or staying up all night with friends, I read some. I love ontology and metaphysics and especially epistemology. But I’ve always had a particular draw to the subject of ethics. There are so many different schools of thought on what makes something ethical.

Utilitarianism teaches that whatever accomplishes the greatest good for the greatest number is the most ethical choice. There are several branches of utilitarianism, but this is the basic premise. Pragmatism: if it works, it is right and truth is, therefore, mutable. Hedonists will tell you, seemingly simply, “If it feels good, do it.” The measure of pleasure is the measure of moral goodness.

As a Believer the study of ethics becomes much more complicated in some cases, and much simpler in others. But here’s the ethical query I’ve been pondering for days.

To what extent should a man serve or protect his bride?

Many people jump to say, “He should protect and serve her to any extent he can, with whatever power and opportunity he may posses.” But should he really? It really isn’t an easy question. It calls into account just what you believe about marriage, and what you think a man’s commitment to his wife is, exactly.

If you were mugged in an alley, would you give up your wallet to protect your spouse? Or would you selfishly hold out? Or is the question altogether more complicated than that? For instance, what role does the refusal to facilitate crime and evil in the world play in your decision? Are you so convicted for these causes that you should sacrifice your wife to get a point across? I’m not trying to reduce the argument to the absurd; I’m trying to show that the argument is neither simple NOR absurd. It is complex, even ridiculously so. So much, in fact, that I could seek out a definite answer for any and every situation my whole life, and I doubt I should ever reach such an all encompassing conclusion.

So then I began thinking about what the Bible says about such questions. Paul never talks about such things. Neither does Peter, although he was married. DOES the Bible even talk about this AT ALL?

It does, but not in a sense so obvious that children could plan their moral philosophy around it. The question then becomes:

To what extent did Christ serve and protect His bride?

Christ certainly did a great deal to serve His bride. He humbled himself in the Incarnation (Philippians 2), in the washing of his disciples’ feet (John 13) and ultimately in His permitting those who were far inferior in strength and knowledge than He was to nail him to a piece of wood, which ironically was created BY (means of) Him and THROUGH Him (Colossians 1:16).

But why? Wasn’t there an easier way to win His bride back? For instance, couldn’t he have pleaded? Couldn’t He have sent a messenger? Couldn’t He have used a martyr (which literally means “witness” or “one who attests to a fact”)? Yes, He could have and He did. In fact, He sent several. (For reference, please locate the entire Old Testament.) But none of these options were eternal and universal. They were for a time and place and a people, His chosen people, Israel. There was, however, another occasion in which Christ could have purchased the people of the earth He so delicately and intricately designed.

Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him (Jesus) all the kingdoms of the world and their glory. And he said to him, “All these I will give to you, if you will fall down and worship me.” Then Jesus said to him, “Be gone, Satan! For it is written, “You shall worship the LORD your God and Him only shall you serve.” - Matthew 4.8-10

Two things I must briefly point out: 1) Jesus does not dispute the matter of ownership with Satan. In fact, he later will refer to him as “the Father of this world.” 2) I’ve been to the desert, and it is NOT an easy place. In fact, you have been there as well. Maybe you’ve never been to Yuma, Arizona or Al Asad, Iraq or Djibouti, Africa, but you’ve been to some kind of desert. Perhaps physically but most certainly personally, metaphorically. And Jesus had been fasting… for 40 days! If I don’t eat for 4 hours I start to get a little anxious. I start looking for shortcuts to get the mission accomplished and get back to the closest resource of comfort. But Jesus had a shortcut to escape the desert He was in, as well as the desert He was beginning a three year trek through. And He didn’t take it. This is borderline foolish. In fact, it is quite foolish… by one standard. Yet by another, Christ’s line of reasoning is “the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes… For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith for faith” (Romans 1.16-17).

My Point? Christ was willing to protect and serve His bride to an almost immeasurable extent. Almost.

Christ willingly to SUFFERED death, “EVEN DEATH ON A CROSS,” the death of a criminal, a murderer, for His bride. But He refused to SIN for her.

And we ought to do the same. Does this make the answer to individual questions crystal clear? Obviously not. But it is a good guide. We’re not talking about kicking a puppy to save your wife. Saying “Sweetheart, I love you… but if I am ever called the decide between punting a poodle and saving your life, I’m going to protect that little fur-ball with everything you and I have” will probably NOT get you a wife. Or a second date, for that matter. Even I, the relationally inadequate, the romantically inept, know this simple fact. Christ certainly wasn’t making such a trivial decision. He was making the choice between BLASPHEMY and a hard road to a greater end. But it makes me think. And Christ’s commitment to His bride gives us an important insight into the ethics of the situation. The very fact that the creator of the universe and the human heart and of civilization and the first covenants chose, from all metaphors, the particular metaphor of the Bride and the Groom should explicate to us the weight of the commitment we make in our marital vows. Vows that we so often and so unfortunately violate and eliminate… at least as far as a mortal, finite man can eliminate what an immortal, eternal and infinite God has created and stamped his approval upon.

Christmas Eve Fast, Christmas Feast

2007-12-25T00:07:00.000-08:00

The Background: I was originally hesitant to post this because the Bible says that when you fast, to do so quietly without pride or arrogance. However, I openly admit that I don't think I've fasted since my Freshman year in college, and even then it was usually done half-heartedly anyway. I even almost gaffed this off, but decided to go through with it since I'd contrived the idea several weeks ago. I write this because the name of my blog attests to my apparent inability to remain silent about the workings of God in my life.

2007/12/24
Sometimes, I think I remember, the Jews would fast in anticipation of something. There was even a woman who fasted for the coming of the Christ (if I remember correctly). I, therefore, am fasting this Christmas Even until sundown in commemoration of all of nature's anticipation of the coming Christ.

"Blessed is he who hungers and thirst for righteousness, for he shall be filled." Matthew 5:6

I suppose today you could say I'm relearning what it means to be HUNGRY. It is not just the sensation of wanting food. Hunger is more. Last night I exerted myself and had already begun my fast. And I didn't in my body what I'd taken out. (There's a sermon in that alone.) Today my stomach is empty, my tongue craving of tastes, my head throbs, my muscles are exhausted, and my temper is short. "Food is created for the body and the body for food." My body is created to need sustenance, and when it doesn't get it, every part of it GROANS for that which satisfies.
Such is the state of my soul now. Begging anxiously and adamantly for my will to cave unto the desires of my inmost being; crying out for my body to be disciplined in chastity, for my heart to be learn-ed in love (love that is true and deep and all encompassing, not merely romantic love which fades, fleets, and flees), and for my tongue to be well versed in the arts and acts of encouragement and edification.
How long will my members resist, my depraved and infected parts rebel against that soul which guides (or should guide) them, which capitulates them. That redeem-ed soul which seeks to guide all those parts into that same redemption, that fire of of purgation that is (submission to) my lord, THE LORD. Was. Is. Is to come. Not much longer, I hope, pray, beg.

2007-12-05T04:23:00.000-08:00

Μετανοεω, or simply, "I Repent..."

2007-10-12T07:02:00.000-07:00

So I just finished Mark Driscoll's book "Confessions of a Reformission Rev: Hard Lessons from an Emerging Missional Church." The book served a great end in my life, bringing some things to the forefront in my mind, and some repentance in my life:

I Repent
I repent of my automatic and outright distrust and disdain for "megachurches." I believe my feelings for these churches stem largely from the belief that in a church of thousands, there is no way the pastor could possibly know what his congregation (specifically, of course, me) could need to hear preached from the pulpit or taught in the smaller sessions. This stems from a heresy which has festered in my heart: that Jesus isn't big enough to tell the Pastor what I need, and that the Holy Spirit is mute unless I have immediate and intimate contact with the pastor.

I repent of my failure to obtain a missiological perspective. That is, I have long lacked the passion for the lost and the love of evangelism so clearly commanded by my God. I have struggled greatly with this, knowing I clearly could not instill these things in myself, an thus I came to another conclusions. I supposed that my mission was not to build the church from the outside in, but instead from the inside out: training the evangelists and theologians and Christians in my church so that they could most effectively do missions work outside the church.
But then, I cannot force myself to have joy; I cannot simply summon from within myself the JOY I am commanded to have. Dr. John Piper paraphrases Scripture when he says "God threatens terrible things" if we fail to have JOY in serving and loving Him." How then can I force myself to love the lost and to seek them? I repent...

Repentance
The word for "I repent" in Hebrew, nacham, basically means to be sorry, to rue, or to be moved to pity over something. More feelings, and feelings I cannot conjure. In Greek, the word is μετανοεω. This word carries a slightly different meaning. It can be literally translated "I change my mind." Certainly, this is not the pleroma of its meaning, but it certainly is one aspect: that the MIND of the man must be the first to change in order that his heart and his actions may quickly, if not immediately, follow...

As I read through Driscoll's book, God made if very plain to me that I needed to repent of my sin of self-centrality (or self-centeredness, if you prefer). It seems that someone along the way I became so caught up in my own discovery of the grace of God that I simply neglected to share it with anyone else. Even in a call to ministry, to the teaching, training, exhorting, and rebuking of His Saints, I convinced myself over several years that my lack of passion for the suffering was acceptable, and that it wasn't the outgrowth of any sin. In fact, it was the very firstborn of a sinful attitude. And it of course translated easily in to many other areas of life...

In many ways, I couldn't care less what people think of me if I researched ways to make myself care... And in many aspects of my life, this was and is a good thing. For instance, I can say just about anything from the pulpit or from my living room without fear of repercussion because, no matter how intense those repercussions, they didn't affect me. So when confronting someone about something in their lives, or when speaking on matters of morality, metaphysics, or liberal methodologies of reaching others I was free of the ties that so often bind people from speaking truth. When asked about his views on what the Bible considers a cut and dry issue but our culture considers an open discussion, author Brian McLaren replied "You know what, the thing that breaks my heart is that there's no way I can answer it without hurting someone on either side." I was free of these types of conundrums. It made my answers so often accurate, but trite.
The negative side was, of course, that I routinely offended and alienated people (and still do) when to do so was not absolutely necessary. It allowed me a great deal of liberty, but as Paul writes, "For me, all things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial." Though I was right according to the Law, I had missed the Spirit of the Law (please don't miss the actual meaning of this: there is a reason Spirit and Law are capitalized).

I had relieved myself of the tension common to so many Christians regarding many issues. But as it turns out, that tension is INTENTIONAL in the Christian life. For instance, for me to have a beer in a bar in Temple, TX is not a righteous and faithful act, because doing so is NOT conducive to my ministry in that particular culture. But to go out for a beer with the Marines in my unit? That is often not only acceptable, but encouraged in order that I may engage the culture like Paul did in Athens and else where. The same may be true of language (although some topics are clearly of limits, as described in many of Paul's epistles). That tension is necessary to keep you and I relying on the guidance of the Holy Spirit in every situation, instead of setting up a simple SOP (standard operating procedure) for ministry. For example, a prominent pastor in Flower Mound, TX regularly tells Mark Driscoll that he would never get away with half the things in Texas that have caused his ministry to flourish in Seattle.

Repenting
I've talked about the things of which I need to repent, what I think the beginning of repentance is, and a couple of the areas in which my lack of repentance has affected the way I do life and ministry... I think it only fair to explain what repentance looked like for me yesterday...
It was about 1400, and we were having a slow day. I was almost done with my book, but something kept nagging at my heart. I knew I needed to get away to have a few words with my Lord and Savior, but privacy is a rare commodity when you only have one chevron (are a low rank). Then brilliance struck me... a brilliance that required a great deal of humility.
I politely excused myself from my team, went into the restroom, closed the door to a stall, and bowed my head in prayer. I began to pray, reminding myself that repentance is in part a change of the mind, and God had already begun that work in me. He had already revealed my sin to me, my sinful attitude, and my NEED to repent of it in order that He might begin to change those things in my life which were inhibiting me from bearing good, visible fruit to the unbelieving world in which I am currently so immersed. I asked God to humble me, showing me that I am NOT to be the center even of my own heart. And I asked Him to fix my view of Jesus, and to correct my heresy regarding the Holy Spirit, convincing me that He is big enough to tell the Pastor of any church of any size exactly what I needed to hear to be edified or rebuked.

I'm not an expert on repentance, but I'm sure that if God is to use me to do mighty things I will have to become one. Luckily, I've got plenty of things to repent of! Driscoll points out often in his sermons that we are not JUST called to be like Jesus. We are called to be like Jesus, AND to REPENT. It seems that's the only thing He didn't give us a demonstration on (although he certainly has used his saints time and again to get the lesson across)!!!

I can't summon joy, and I can't just start loving the lost, and I can't reach in and turn a screw to adjust my compassion level... and I cannot call myself to repentance. But I know someone who can, and I can certainly ask Him to call me to my knees. After all, Paul wrote "I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to the point of repentance; for you were made sorrowful according to the will of God, so that you might not suffer loss in anything through us." (II Cor 7:9)

Deployment... thus far, anyway...

2007-10-02T09:45:00.000-07:00

The first portion, up to the break, was written to a friend in response to a message. The second is uniquely for you (you being anyone who wishes an update)

What benefit is coming out of this deployment for ME personally? Well, I'm more out of favor with my surrounding community than I have ever been. My superiors don't like me, I'm weeks behind my crew in technical knowledge (or I was when I got here, so I've been playing catch up), and I didn't get to go to church Sunday morning, I can't go tomorrow, and Sunday again I will work. I'm exhausted most of the time, I work harder than I thought I could, I have no contact with believers of any substance (except the chaplain, who I only see occasionally), and every day seems to be an almost endless comedy of errors, without the comedy....
So I'm learning "long-suffering" and how to be revile without reviling in return, how to suffer without threatening, and hopefully, eventually, how to deliver myself into the hands of the "One who judges justly/righteously." (1 Peter 2.23) I'm learning to mete out grace to those around me when they fail and how to correct tactfully and how to ask for forgiveness, because each day I need to receive that same grace and to be corrected tactfully............................... I'm learning a Christian can never be truly separated from the body, even though he may often feel that way... and I'm learning that God has no problem pushing me to my breaking point and the giving me EXACTLY what I need to keep going.

"pressed, but not crushed.
persecuted, not abandoned.
pushed down, but not destroyed.
For I am blessed beyond the curse
For HIS promise will endure:
His Joy is going to be my Strength."

____________________________________________________________

You know the first day, or even the first week of a college class, where you're just starting to learn something, but you don't really grasp it yet?

I'll use 2 of my 3 favorite classes I took in college: Greek and Hebrew. First you learn the alphabet - how to write it, sing it, pronounce each letter and its sound, and eventually how to read it aloud. Then you get into your first set of verbs. VERY rewarding! All of a sudden you can read basic sentences in another language. YHWH elohi, the LORD is my God. εκβαλλρω τα τεκνα, Ι cast the children out.

But the lessons, the words, the meanings, they aren't really committed to you yet. You know the basics, but those lessons haven't been BURNED into your memory... well that's pretty much where I am with all the various lessons that God is teaching me. I'm reading the primer, looking ahead to the daunting syllabus, knowing this is going to take a lot more out of me than I expected. In just a few short (or really, LONG) weeks I've gotten a taste of God's lesson plan... and while I wish I could say that I could come home now and already have learned what He has in store, I know that is simply my sense of self preservation. God is breaking down my pride bit by bit. He's teaching me what GRACE means and how Leadership is supposed to show itself naturally and should at ALL TIMES point in the right direction, i.e. up. But he is "TEACHING" and that word is in the progressive tense - it is an ongoing action, as opposed to a perfect or aorist tense, which indicates past action.

I'm learning a lot, and I'm learning it a little at a time... and each person I encounter from this moment forward will be better for having known me AFTER God has done more work in me then than He has to date. May I reserve judgment and anger and freely distribute grace, love, and forgiveness - mercy and kindness, rather than the other way around. That's my prayer. I ask that when you pray for me, you make it yours too...

Μακροθυμια

2007-10-02T09:42:00.000-07:00

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Μακροθυμια (makrothumia)

Often translated "patience," the word most literally means long-suffering. Or, if you notice the first part of the word, μακρο (macro), you will recognize its English cognate: macro, as in large or extreme.

This is different from endurance (΄υπομενη), which is something like "super-staying," almost like remaining in one place while someone tries to move you.

God's gift of long-suffering means that even in the most difficult of circumstances and in the midst of immense pain, we are empowered by the Spirit (of which this gift is a Fruit) to withstand that pain...

So now, having taken this knowledge to heart, I repent.

Mrs. Libby Johnson said...

You have amazing insights. To use "God's gift" and "long-suffering" in the same sentence is something that I'd never, ever dream of!

...and something I needed to hear.

September 9, 2007 7:18 PM

Mrs. Libby Johnson said...

You need to talk some more!

September 13, 2007 8:43 PM

Mrs. Libby Johnson said...

I am praying for you and we will definitely be praying for you tomorrow. Please let us know as soon as you can that you've gotten there safely. I know God will be protecting you from ALL the situations you will face. Be safe, Dustin - we love you!!

September 15, 2007 8:58 PM

Mrs. Libby Johnson said...

I expect a new entry in the next week, Mister!

October 1, 2007 3:23 PM

2007-10-02T09:41:00.000-07:00

Friday, September 7, 2007
Marines

NOTE: This is raw and unedited; I dare not expect most to understand it, and even fewer to give heed to its content. If this is your first encounter with my ramblings, I suggest you skip ahead to something more relevant and polished.

At first I couldn't figure out why it bothered me so much that some Marines from my unit found out about these scribblings. And I can only speculate as to how this came about. "Why write what you don't want someone to read?"

I suppose it is this, at least in part: I try to put so little of myself into this place, this group, this Corps, because I'm so certain that they will CRUSH whatever they get their hands on. And this is valid, for such people are required for such times and such places. “Good people sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.” And so I write. But into my writing I POUR MYSELF because I know that the people back home (for whom this page is originally intended), the few who take the time to read this, anyway, will at the very least remain silent out of courtesy and discretion. The guys out here, however, are more inclined to view my transparency as a weakness, a chink in my armor, a throat protector unbuttoned on my flak (or an exposed "quick release").

Gentlemen, believe as you will. We differ in many ways, you and I; and in many ways we are the same. But I LOVE to write, to teach, to train, to preach, and to share from my experiences: both from my successes which bring much joy, and from my failures which have brought me so much pain. And I believe this gift benefits others. It is what I was created to do, what I was designed to do, and it is what I DESIRE to do with all the years of my life to the GLORY OF MY GOD.

"But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet,
Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams."
--W.B. Yeats

2007-10-02T09:39:00.000-07:00

Monday, September 3, 2007
Pannikin' - Physical Expressions of More Significant Things...

NOTE: If you take note of the intentional use of indentation / formatting, it should make your experience of this scribbling much easier to organize intellectually (even though it was written in a single stream of consciousness)

So I’m driving down the PCH today, partially because my laptop was so dead Google maps wouldn’t display, and partially because someone once told me how enjoyable it was to do so. And I’ve got this concept running through my head… all of a sudden I see this place on the side of the road. My friend bought me a shirt from this place 4 years ago or so, and I still have it and its one of my softest t-shirts (but still thick – you know the kind I’m talking about). I turn in and begin marveling at this place, walking around it with astonishment. Pannikin’ is doubtless one of the coolest coffee shops I’ve ever seen. And it reminds me of this old friend of mine to a T! AMAZING coffee with a ting of spice in the drinks, chairs on the lawn, a cute little catch phrase written outside on a signboard, scarves and books and all kinds of crazy coffee connoisseur gadgets rounding the walls. The place smells of gourmet liquid energy! No place, I think, has ever captured her essence (as I remember it from way back when) more…

So that concept I was pondering dangerously while NOT focusing on the road? Someone asked me what the women are like here in California. My initial response was, “Well, let’s just say I don’t want to be a pastor out here… ‘cus it’d be… distracting, to say the least.” But I’m driving down the road and for some reason I’m finding it quite easy to ignore all of these scantily clad women. I’m being honest here, because I’ve got no one to impress, and if you think I’m some sick pervert then you should look around at the men in your life. Fathers, brothers, sons, boyfriends, friends, etc. We are all distracted by skin. It’s the nature of who we are, at least on a very basic level. But for some reason, ESPECIALLY today, its not a distraction at all. And I started to wonder why.

I just returned from 6 days on leave back in Texas, and I showed up back out in California with a bit of anxiety and some frustration to match. But last night I was blessed to enjoy the company of some other believers from around her. What’s the connection? I’ve recently RE-encountered the women in my life to who mean a great deal to me.

They don’t carry such weight in my heart, they don’t play such important roles in my life because they look good in bathing suits. Don’t get me wrong, some of my dearest friends happen to be some very attractive young women, but this is merely incidental. Now certainly, you can say I wouldn’t have met them had I thought they were mutants, the bane of society. Whatever. You miss the point.

People asked me how I could be so depressed recently in Southern California (SoCal). “It’s so gorgeous out there… and the beach, the architecture, the cars (someone knows me well)… depression doesn’t make any sense.” And the beaches in Texas? NOTHING compared to the coastline out here. Why then do I delight in the thought of TX, and so often dread my time in California?

**It is not the physical world in which I was designed to delight. I was driving down the Pacific Coast Highway, enjoying the amazing breeze, watching the waves crash in on themselves (and on the surfers), smelling the strong, salty, ocean air, and experiencing the sun’s warmth upon my face… and all I could think about was how much I love my home. See, I can’t relate to the mountains, and I can’t share my heart with the sea in any meaningful way which would solicit a legitimate response. I can’t hear the sufferings of the breeze or comfort the tide when it is at it’s lowest. I was created for - I was designed for relationships with the people God has given me in my life. The stars will never feel the joy of salvation, and I won’t ever see them baptized into my kinship like blood never can be. These things are simply material – monistic expressions of reality which pale in comparison to the complexity of the human body, which itself only reflects the complexity of the soul like a piano reflects an entire orchestral symphony after it has been transposed to the eighty-eight keys available (C. S. Lewis’ Transposition, is largely responsible for this insight).

It is not the female body in which I delight. It is the feminine persona, intricately and delicately knit by God, in part to show me a facet of Himself which my testosterone clouded mind could never grasp without those lovely women in my life. (And hopefully they also learn something of His character from me, but such confessions of my shortcomings shan’t be scribed here today.)

I needn’t ogle at the body of a woman in a bathing suit, because that isn’t the aspect of my eventual but as yet undiscovered wife which will bring joy and divine instruction to my heart. My friends aren’t my friends because they look good. My friends are my friends, my sisters my sisters and my brothers my brothers, because they love me and care for me and we RELATE to one another. When a brother encourages me while I struggle through temptation in VA; when a girl decides to wear something more modest; when they pray for me, and they comfort me, and they think of me, and they text or call or Facebook me for no apparent reason. These are the times in which they FAR surpass the physical realm of in which we relate (and it is also why our degree of proximity does not necessarily reflect our degree of intimacy – read my description of Asa I’s friendship from my last post for clarification and exemplification on this).

And in this specific example, my purity is aided by my love for the Ladies in my life because knowing them makes me a better person, a better man, a better father and husband one day, and a better disciple of The Cross of Christ. Because when a women allows, and sometimes FORCES the men in her life to see her for all that she is, בת המל אלין, bat-hamelek elyon, a daughter of The King Most High, she reduces my heart’s ability and reprobate inclination to objectify her as anything less. Women, strive to be that Princess. Men, strive to settle for nothing less!!! (Aside: “Charm [Favor before men] is deceptive and beauty [via adornments] is vain” – meaning simply that these are not bad in themselves, but abhorrent if they are a woman’s ONLY claim to True Beauty. Don’t worry, a commentary explaining this is in the works!)

This place, this coffee shop. It isn’t amazing because it itself has some intrinsic quality which causes its patrons to experience joy and intimacy and laughter. It is great to me because it reminds me of a very old and very dear friend with whom I no longer talk. And I would venture to say the same is probably largely true of many or most of the others here. They undoubtedly are here secondarily for the caffeinated goodness, and primarily for the company they are in. Whether it be a group of friends at the table, a girl they fancy next to them, whatever. And some are, like me, alone. They read books or ponder quietly or pour over laptops (just as I am doing) or legal pads or journals. And certainly there are some exceptions here today… but what is a journal or a personal quiet pondering if not introspection: a conversation with and an investigation into one’s own self. And what is a book if not a diatribe with the far off or else corporeally passed author, a sharing via letters instead of sounds, scripts instead of a spoken tongue.

rs. Libby Johnson said...

Like I said in my last comment...I don't get to hear you speak enough anymore, and I truly, truly miss that!

You are a blessed man, Dustin. You have no idea what joy it put in my heart to read those words on my computer screen. I am praying for you and you will continue to be in my thoughts during what I can only imagine is a difficult time.

Know that Greg and I love you to death and we are anxiously waiting for the time when you can come back to Texas :) I know those California beaches well, but Texas is definitely home!

September 3, 2007 7:49 PM

geoff payne said...

You use the most intelligent words.

September 4, 2007 4:50 PM

Mrs. Libby Johnson said...

Permission granted! As long as you fix the typo in that last sentence. It should be "...you know that you can never be 100% content..." instead of whatever jumbled, unedited or proof-read mess is up there right now!

September 5, 2007 5:17 AM

Lyds said...

Thanks for telling me about your new site. I'm glad you still consider me a part of your life and are willing to share it with me--even if it's just online. :)

September 5, 2007 6:52 PM

chris j said...

very, very, very cool. I love the commentary on the women in your life. It makes me feel very special to be your friend.

September 6, 2007 7:15 AM

2007-10-02T09:38:00.000-07:00

Sunday, September 2, 2007
Coffee with Jesus

DISCLAIMER: I am aware that I make certain assumptions with which non-believers, and some Protestants, cannot subscribe. Aware, but uncaring; It is NOT a question of ignorance, but apathy.

WARNING: VERY SCATTERED AND DEFINITELY A PRODUCT OF THE MIND OF A MAN WHO HAS NOT PREACHED THE TRUTH WHICH GOD HAS LAIN ON HIS HEART IN FAR TOO LONG!!!

When I'm in California I simply live for the Sundays. Many people say they live for Friday, or for Saturday, or for Mondays (as is the case of the "workaholic") and thus of course reflects their passions and the proclivities. So, too, is the case with me. I'm not saying that I live for Sundays to sound exceptionally pious or righteous in my pursuit of God. Not at all.

In fact, Sunday represents for me a few of the things I crave the most: for community, for solitude, and for an opportunity to grow silent and encounter the Holy.

Community and Solitude? Aren't these two mutually exclusive? On the contrary - each is necessary for the other to prosper, to flourish. Someone said, "the loneliest place any man can be is a room full of people." If Someone didn't say that already, then mark today in your bookmarks: for now I have. Back to the point. I have recently been confronted by my greatest weakness, my greatest vulnerability: Loneliness. I was blessed my last semester at UMHB to live with 4 of the greatest men I know and the 4 greatest friends I have ever had.

A Brief Aside: skip ahead if you know my roommates or already understand my point via the lens of your own experience.
-Asa and I can not see each other for months at a time and get together and all of a sudden he has me preaching my heart out ( and he has the patience and endurance to let me pour my heart out and actually HEAR what I have said and respond with concepts and application that only hurl bricks of c4 into the already pyrotechnically astounding conflagration).
-Zach takes me from the dullest of moods and most complacent of modes and flips a switch which lights the room, mysteriously illuminating all the opportunities for mischief like strobe lights through 17B Night Vision Goggles.
-Tim's heart so often matches my own its disturbing. One minute we're griping about the pains in each of our lives, the next minute we're talking about the same things and accidentally realizing our own shortcomings in each situation. We walk away with new perspectives and often a new awareness of the steps needed to right or transgressions.
-Travis and I had a great deal of trouble actually working out an accountability system that worked... and now we've found a way to correct that little problem. And easily corrected it is because Travis has a heart that is willing to suffer alongside and/or for the benefit of a brother. He has been invaluable in my education and my growth, as have all my guys.

And I wasted that time.

Now on Active Duty I am, by contrast, surrounded by people who's entire paradigm is so often contrary to my own. The Marine Corps advertises a "brotherhood, a bond, closer than any you've ever felt. A bond like you've never imagined." And certainly, it does offer an bond closer than many in our segmented, individualistic society have ever experienced. But for a man who has experienced the bond that can only be found in the walls of the church, built on the foundation of a common bond in Christ, and maintained only in a atmosphere of honesty, of love, of compassion (literally, the suffering alongside another), and of shared experience (which is why long distance relationships, outside of the few who are bonded tightly enough by Christ, so often fail).

All that to get to this simple point: I have recently reaching a place in my life in which loneliness has reached levels only matched by a point in my life when I held a blade to my wrist, clinging only to the thought that funerals were too expensive for my family to manage at the time. Were it not for the presence of Christ in my life now I would have already spun into a whirlpool of depressions so deep all the Prozac in the world couldn't be fashioned into a rope which which I could be exhumed (intentional diction is utilized here).

In our loneliness, when we lack community, solitude becomes such an unbearable experience that even when we attempt to find and experience solitudes joys we become lost in what goes on around us. We begin looking around for anyone who will rescue us from it. That may come in the form of finding one person and latching on to them, calling or text messaging them incessantly, facebook/myspace stalking them, and Googling their name at all hours of the night. It may present itself in our clinging to a trend or a tradition or a group (even one not normally attractive to us). For me, it took the route of unusual activities. For the first time in my life, I found myself heading out to bars just to meet people - and the only way to meet people is to have a drink and buy a drink (or have one bought for you, hint hint). For the record, I have since taken a fast regarding alcohol, and it is going absolutely SWIMMINGLY! I'll be happy to discuss this another time.

When we lack solitude, we can scarcely participate in true community. When we don't take the time or put the effort into developing and processing on our own, we can offer little or nothing of substance to the group. And then we tend to the errors I have mentioned previously: co-dependence, and the like. Or, of course, there is unhealthy seclusion, in which we forsake the meeting together with unbelievers.

Community is a hot topic among todays Christians, especially at the collegiate level. Many church-goers have become frustrated and disillusioned with the Southern caricature of a woman with enormous, ice cream shaped hair and a smile which is clearly supported by wires attached to a retainer asking with that East Texas accent questions which both she and her partner know will result in Sophisticated (look up this word with reference to Sophistry), quip remarks. Let me paint for you the basic script offered to Southern pastor's wife, to which she may add her own "pieces of flair." In fact, I'll even translate it parenthetically.

Pastorette Jo-Ellen (no offence) "Why hello, brother Jeffrey. How are you this lovely Sundie [which, by the way, is neither a word, nor a day of the week!] mornin'?" (Hello. You know what to do - I've got a lot of people to greet.)

Parishioner "Oh, you know me! Standing strong in the grace of the Lord!" (For the tenth time, my name is Jeff. And I'm miserable. What part of wife, kid, and divorce don't you get?)

"Good to hear! Good to hear! Enjoy the service and don't forget: it's high tithe Sundie!" (Your life sucks, but thanks for playing by the rules! The organist is out sick, and I need to get my hair done this week)

"Will do, Jo-Ellen! Don't worry, I've got my checkbook today!" (Good to hear? Did you even HEAR me at all? Enjoy the service? How can I sleep on these pews?! And why would I give an offering? I'd rather spend the money on one of those fold-out foam bleacher pads that matches my Bible cover. Three times I've come to see your husband this week and three times he's been playing golf with a "parishioner in need" with a +3 handicap!)

An exaggeration? Perhaps. But the earth was the ONLY thing created ex nihilo! This is NOT what we crave, and it is NOT what the church was designed to offer.

But even halfway across the country, despite the absence of my Pastors: Dave, Will, Tim, and Kyle, and my Brothers: Ace, Z$, Travy, and QT (Tim) the Aggie, I am able to experience a great measure of community. The Rock San Diego offers a great deal to its visitors, as is evidenced by Miles McPherson's invitation to each and every individual guest in the service to introduce themselves personally to him - right there as part of the service!

My summation of expression, though verbose and convoluted by rhetoric, is this: Hard times come wherever you are and whenever they will, regardless of preparedness. The Bible teaches that the Woman of God "dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong," (Proverbs 31.17, ESV). What does this have to do with you? If you look this up in the NIV, NLT, or the Message I swear I will personally slap you the first chance I get... The term "dresses," sometimes thought to simply mean "prepares," is full of meaning. Literally, it means "girds up [her] loins." Its a term that refers to the suspension of one's garments in a way that allows one for free movement, most commonly for WAR. Why is this significant? Because this woman's work is important, and it is her usual role (I am NOT being a sexist here - for my scribblings found elsewhere I cannot vouch). And it is EXTREMELY UNLIKELY that she will EVER have to go into combat. But the picture here is clear: she being made ready in mundane tasks to do whatever task, however unlikely, she may be called to do.
You and I must "gird up our loins" (Nahum 2.1, etc.) and discover and treasure both (1)the time we have in close proximity with those who make us strong and (2) the time we have in solitude, listening to voice of God like the prophets in the wilderness (and Jesus in Matthew 4, for that matter), committing to memory the word of God (Ps 119.9-16), and EXPERIENCING Testimony building incidents which occur for the edification of the community to which we belong.

Alanna Evelyn said...

First, your candor and transparency are astounding. I, myself am tempted to tell a lie when the truth will do just as good.

Second, I like the labels for the blog. Community, Debauchery, Stalker. It kinda makes me laugh.

Third, Lydia likes the way you write. She says it's reads the way you talk, and it's almost like talking to you face to face.

Fourth, I could not find ANY sources, let alone a RELIABLE source that has a record of the quote "The loneliest place any man can be is a room full of people," so it's yours to claim.
Congratulations, my friend!

September 2, 2007 9:47 PM

Mrs. Libby Johnson said...

I'm glad you're on here Dustin. I don't get to hear you speak nearly enough anymore! I hope you're doing well :)

September 3, 2007 6:33 PM

bigdadgib said...

Great post.

Wonderful blog.

My I add you to my blogroll?

In Him,
BDG