Women: The Rules of Engagement (pt. 1)

Reading the title I'm sure you thought, "Dustin, you feeling like tackling rocket science again?" If you're a girl in college, you definitely thought this was about getting a ring and preparing to get hitched. Gotcha!

There comes a time in every moderately competent writer's life when he or she must address certain topics. If you want to score in this game, you've got to hit all the wickets. If you don't understand cricket terms, don't worry about it. No one does. It's the greatest practical joke the British ever pulled (except maybe the "noble motives" of the East India Trading Company, which you should know is not a fictional construct for the Pirates of the Caribbean's fall from grace).

So today's wicket:

THINGS MEN WISH WOMEN KNEW

This was inspired by several conversations of late, and is therefore a contextually appropriate an far-from-exhaustive list. I've chose not to write anything from The Enemy's perspective, as there are several female authors on the Internets who are more familiar with their battle strategy, and who are also much funnier (here's looking at you Christy L. and Chris G.)

So here goes:

1) Getting blown off is MUCH worse than getting rejected. Many of you have said you don't want to be a jerk/be rude/make him feel bad about himself/make it awkward. That's bull___ (professors might read this) and we all know it. You just don't want to have to be uncomfortable for the few seconds it takes to say no. You'd probably just rather avoid looking him in the face while he gets rejected in absentia. Save everyone the time, emotional anguish, and text message balance and just say "Sorry, but I kind of hate you." We will seriously appreciate it more than you know. And so will you. Because we'll tell our friends "Yeah, she turned me down, but she was totally upfront and honest about it." And then "Brett," who is smarter, more attractive, more successful, and doesn't have 2.5 degrees in a field he will never be able to market will say, "Cool. Can I ask her out?" "Sure! Have at it man - she's great." We're more likely to ask out straight-forward women who we can trust. And at your wedding that we have to spend 73% of the cost of owning a tux to rent one you'll say "I love you too, Brett" and we'll all go "So grood!" Except maybe one guy, who'll say "That's whack." But it'll totally just be the regular type.

2) We don't care about your cat... at all. Seriously. We have neither positive nor negative feelings towards your furry little feline friend. It's a cat. It might be adorable or have personality or do that cute thing you keep telling us it always does but just won't do right now. But we just don't care. And it's not that we're concerned you might become a crazy cat lady. It's that there's no utility in a cat. They can't bear loads, clean up scraps, alert us of impending burglary, maul a stranger, scare the neighbor kid who keeps throwing things over the fence, or bring us barrels full of much needed whiskey when we're "lost" (which we never are) in a frozen tundra. Puppies, other than corgis, can serve a purpose. If Timmy (Nation) falls down a well, what the heck is your cat going to do? Barking brings help. Rubbing up against the sheriff's leg just gives him allergies.

3) Knowing about football and/or guns is hot. Bernice may have told you that it emasculates us if you know more than we do, or you're tougher than we are. It doesn't, and there are plenty of other reasons not to take advice from your single friend Bernice (like the beaver growth hormone doping charges of which she was acquitted). Every woman should have a picture of herself at the shooting range or in a field with either a rifle or a handgun. Plus you have the added benefit of never having to say what we can discern from your Facebook: "If you ever hurt my sister or I, 'I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep, and I swear by all that is good and holy your mother will cry when she sees what I've done to you.'" We can figure out motive and opportunity for ourselves - you're just clarifying that you have the means as well. http://on.fb.me/dZrsyU

4) Quote Dumb and Dumber as often as you can. This is my generation's Caddyshack, and it will go a long way with us. Additionally it inspires future comments like "Killer heels, babe!" (We also appreciate when you know and reference Braveheart as well, but we don't want to talk about the socio-political implications of violence on interpersonal relationships and geo-political restoration in historical rivalries and such understandings affect the way we understand how to serve you in a relationship and apologize without feeling weak. We just want to watch the damn movie, and cry with impunity.


[This ends part 1. I've decided to take this a little at a time for two reasons: I want men to chime in with new, exciting topics; and I want women to respond, perhaps here, on the original website, or on your own Xangas (yup - I'm bringing that back with Homestar)/ Livejournals/ snarky text messages.]

UPDATE: first full response, other than K in the comments section was http://www.facebook.com/notes/elizabeth-hammonds/men-the-rules-of-engagement/10150567657960385?notif_t=like